Local Rancher Inconvenienced by New Breed of Spherical Cow


Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“I’ll never have to imagine a spherical cow again,” said one physics student.
Photo by Millie You

This February, cattle rancher Nicholas “Mixalot” Minhoj was “shocked” after a breeding experiment involving two of his herds went horribly wrong. “Last fall, to try and make some extra money for the ranch, I bred my American Hustlers, cows known for their quick maturation to adulthood, with several A5 Wagyu bulls I borrowed from Japan,” said Minhoj. “I hoped that the resulting calves would be filled with flavor and fat, and they would grow very quickly. Instead, I got these spherical monstrosities that roll around instead of walking!”

Veterinary scientists at UC Davis determined the resulting calves to be a new breed, and head cow-namer and animal sound-listener Joel MacDoneld named them “Rolling Butterballs.” “When I first laid eyes on the Rolling Butterballs, I wasn’t sure what they should be called,” said MacDoneld, pausing to sing a series of vowels under his breath. “Then, whilst eating a cheeseburger, I went to pay them a visit. All the cows started rolling after me, leaving a trail of milk behind them like unchurned butter. The name just stuck from there.”

Due to their high intramuscular marbling and rapid growth rate, the Rolling Butterballs have become a commercial goldmine for Minhoj. However, raising them still has its downsides. “Sure, the butts [Rolling Butterballs] have been a blessing for me. But people don’t understand how hard it is to rear them. I’ve had to perfectly level my farm so that they wouldn’t all get stuck in one corner,” said Minhoj. “That doesn’t even account for the amount those butts eat. In their two weeks to mature, each butt will consume 10 to 12 million calories per day. At first it was hard to force so much food into their mouths, but since I invested in gavage and a diet of mostly high fructose corn syrup and large Chocolate Oreo Shakes from Baskin-Robbins, life has gotten easier.”

The new breed of cow has caused backlash after a statement from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) brought attention to the living conditions of Rolling Butterballs on Minhoj’s ranch. “It’s inhumane and vile. We haven’t seen an animal with such unhealthy meals since Michelle Obama made school lunches taste bad. The ethical thing to do would be to immediately cease breeding this cursed creature.” In response to PETA’s statement, Minhoj said, “Is PETA gonna pay me to stop breeding the butts? ’Cause if they do, I’d love to stop. Honestly, it’s like playing the world’s hardest and heaviest game of marbles.”

Not everyone is against the continued breeding of Rolling Butterballs. “After trying a Rolling Butterball steak at a local steakhouse, I was so moved by the beautiful, juicy, succulent nature of the steak that I immediately fell into a food coma,” said Rolling Butterball fan Carni Voorous. “It was in that coma that the idea for the People for the Eating of Tasty Animals Association, or PETAA, came to me, as a way for everyone to express their support for Minhoj and the majestic and scrumptious Rolling Butterballs.”

As of today, Minhoj has reared over 150,000 Rolling Butterballs and plans to level thousands of acres to expand his farm. “The idea struck me when I accidentally took a wrong turn on my way to Merced and stumbled across a bunch of unused land. Sure, it will be a real pain to level the mountain and that weird dome-shaped rock, but it’s nothing a few missiles donated by PETAA can’t handle. Plus the place already has an amazing name for a farm: Yosemite.”

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