Salk Researchers Find Chemicals in Water Supply


Written by: Alberto Ruiz

“Chemicals in the water supply? Next thing you know they’ll be putting chemicals in food!” said one parent.
Photo by James Woolley

In a new report from the Salk Institute, a research group sounded alarms as “evidence of chemicals in the water” was discovered around San Diego. The group is spearheaded by Clementine Ignominious, a Ph. D. from WebMD, who has started a public health campaign in the greater San Diego County area to inform residents of the dangerous amounts of chemicals found in water supply.

Dr. Ignominious gave a speech to a crowd at San Diego Town Hall warning of the dangers of unfiltered tap water. “My group and I have identified compounds in the water supply that have devastating effects on human health. Most critically is Dihydrogen Monoxide, DHMO for short. Though not directly linked to any major health problems, even as little as a liter directly in the lungs is enough to starve someone of oxygen. In 2019 alone, an estimated 240,000 people were killed as a result of DHMO.” Lab assistant Aryn G. also commented on a “worrying” compound dissolved in the groundwater, saying, “Another large concern is trace amounts of (2R,3S,4R,5R)-2,3,4,5,6-pentahydroxyhexanal, commonly found in sugary drinks and sweets. A small, consistent dose starting in early development is a known contributor to infertility, halitosis, impotence, weird acne, and — most worryingly — erectile dysfunction.”

The test methodology, as told by the research group’s published article, involved “just opening the faucet” in randomly selected houses residing in the predominantly low-income area of El Cajon. Using a combination of mass spectrometry and an undergrad with a “strong sense of taste” to find the exact contents, samples were then compared to a control group sample of bottled VOSS water. After struggling on how to “p-hack the values to be relevant,” it was found that these chemicals were prominent in every sample.

San Diegans are demanding action be taken. In light of the news, Petco Stadium shut off every potable water faucet, replacing it with beer, which it claims is “better ‘cause, you know … it’s distilled or whatever.”

Mothers Against Water, a grassroots organization looking for alternatives, has pleaded with the city to dispose of all the current water storage to Tijuana, where it will be “be given to those less fortunate than ourselves.”

Local science enthusiast Kathryn Juyt has been openly critical of the findings. In a video she released on TikTok, she stated, “This is all a farce. The levels of chemicals are comparable to the FDA legal limits — there is no reason to panic. We are well within what the government says should be in it, and we even excel in areas like mercury concentration. We have 8 ppm, and the FDA says the bare minimum is 1 ppm, so we’re doing 800% better than regulations.”

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