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SDPD Uncovers Cannibal Cult

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“I don’t need a vaccine to protect me; I have diamond armor,” wrote @fathogjones on Twitter.Photo by Sharon Roth On Sunday, May 29, a squad of …

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Local Flint Shortage Sparks Absolutely Nothing

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“I was having a real tough time figuring out what to do without any flint,” said Susan Graves, “and then it struck me.”Photo By Julia Wong …

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Local Gamer Tragically Latches on to Cool Character in Elden Ring

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“I don’t know why my friends are so worried about him getting kilned. He is a pot,” Cano noted.Photo by Sharon Roth Lilith Cano, a 23-year-old …

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Hanukkah Cut to Seven Days Due to Oil Shortage

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“The oil lasting for eight days was no miracle,” said Zelda. “Back then, people didn’t live under Joe Biden’s gas prices.”Photo by Sharon Roth As the holiday …

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World Renowned Chef Eats His Words

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Tepids is reportedly in hot water over the comments he made.Photo by Robin Brewin Duncan Tepids, the “cream of the crop of rising chefs,” and “internet darling,” …

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Developer Builds Houses That Come Pre-Haunted

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“The previous tenants loved this house to death,” said Pierce.Photo by Maria Dhilla With current housing market trends causing strife for prospective home-owners and forcing poor, desperate …

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Santa Claus Teams With Jeff Bezos, Can Finally “Watch Who’s Naughty and Who’s Nice”

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Due to a global resource shortage, Santa and Bezos are considering employing naughty kids in coal mines.Photo by Maria Dhilla This holiday season, former Amazon CEO Jeff …

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Injuries Sustained After Ice Rink’s New “No Skates Saturday” Deal

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Photo by Jack Yang Tragedy struck last Saturday after Ricky’s Ice Skatin’ ice skating rink instituted its new “No Skates Saturday” event in an attempt to bring …

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Movie Producer Approves Movie Adaptation of Its Novelization

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“If you haven’t read the book and watched the movie, you’re not going to get this one,” claimed one fan.Photo by Sharon Roth In their newest press …

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Girls With Crystals to Reignite the Salem Witch Trials

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“Tarot cards? This is a taro latte,” said one of the “witches.”Photo by Sharon Roth Self-proclaimed “witches” are over fire after burning crosses, voodoo dolls, and other …