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Local Man Makes New Year’s Resolution to Become Worse in Every Way Possible

Written by: Alex Riensch-Goldstein

“I won’t stop until I’ve kicked 101 dalmatians,” vowed Fleming.Photo by Sophie Pubb At the start of every year, many Americans resolve to improve themselves in …

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California Storm Drain Systems Augmented with Parched Clowns

Written by: Millie You

“I’m really glad the government started taking the flooding seriously and stopped clowning around,” said Quin.Photo by Amit Roth As California braced itself for a torrent …

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Starbucks Announces Pumpkin Spice Pumpkins

Written by: Isha Dhandha

“Pumpkin spice pumpkins? What’s next, pumpkin spice pumpkin spice pumpkins?” wondered one customer.Photo by Amit Roth On October 1st, Starbucks announced an addition to their highly …

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Local Man Discovers He, Too, Has Hormones

Written by: Claire McNerney

“Men have hormones?” Misenberger asked. “That’s endo-cringe.”Photo by James Woolley A mob of angry senior citizen protesters, armed with signs reading “There are only two genders” …

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Timothée Chalamet Goes Outside, Buys Milk

Written by: Everett Ririe

“I can’t believe he bought cow’s milk,” declared Lamborda. “I’m still a fan, but just a little bit less.”Photo by Julia Wong This morning, Timothée Chalamet …

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Local Christians Claim Halloween as a Precursor to Christmas

Written by: Maddie Samaniego

“I think I finally have my Jesus costume nailed down,” said one trick-or-treater.Photo by Farhad Taraporevala Last Sunday, a local Christian group called “Holy Spirit Halloweeners” …

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The Wheels of Comedy Central Are Turning

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“It really takes the laughter out of manslaughter,” stated Barney Medler.Photo by James Woolley On Wednesday, at a joint press conference held by the FBI and …

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Local Horse Opposes Affordable Housing Development in Neighborhood

Written by: Theo Erickson

Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades — two things I’ll be chucking at the affordable houses!” proclaimed the horse.Photo by James Woolley In September …

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Man Who Has “Never Had COVID” Discovers Devastating News About His “Allergy Flare-up”

Written by: Isabelle Mckelvey

“I finally figured out why none of his COVID tests came back positive. He takes the test tube liquid like a shot,” said Alex.Photo by James …

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Scarecrows to Be Used to Alleviate Teacher Shortage

Written by: Madeline Mozafari

“It is such an honor to be taught by someone who won the Fields Medal in computational agriculture,” commented Ayla.Photo by Maria Dhilla In San Diego …