Local
Area Woman Has Thanksgiving with Family, Decides to Spend Christmas Alone
After spending the most thankful of holidays with family, Janette Spanette told reporters in a press conference that she’d rather spend Christmas alone. “Have you ever …
Local Dog Wishes Owner Would Stop Looking at Glowing Rectangle and Pet Her
After walking herself to the dog park for the third time this week, local beagle Jennifer Pawrence told reporters that all she wants is for her …
Lesbian Researchers Discover Perfect Milkshake that Brings All the Girls to the Yard
After years of intense research, a newly-published lesbian-sponsored study has finally discovered a milkshake recipe which, in the research team’s own words, “brings all the girls …
Local Man Fixes Sink, As the Prophecy Foretold
Late last Monday night, Dave DeFranco did what was thought to be impossible and what is considered by most men to be a “true miracle: “he …
Man Gets Athlete’s Foot, Finds It in His Mailbox
This past week, area man Chris Ella found himself quite perplexed. Although he kept himself and his environment very clean, Ella was self-diagnosed with an athlete’s …
Area Man Finds Key to Happiness in Meditation, Two Kilos of Cocaine
Area man Marcos Stoffer was in his apartment late Monday night when he had a breakthrough in his life-long search for the key to true happiness. …
Local Diner Overhauls Menu, Serves Only “Shit Sandwiches”
Eagles’ Cafe, a popular local restaurant, has implemented drastic menu changes as part of a general overhaul of the restaurant’s branding, expected to continue into this …
Amateur Acupuncturists Under Fire for Unknowingly Administering Vaccines
The California-based A.A.A.A.A.A. (Association of Amateur Acupuncturists and Alternative Ailment Alleviators) announced that over the past year, some of its members had accidentally administered vaccines to …
Californians Forced to Choose Between Water and Food, Almonds Win
In a historic referendum late last month, Californians decided that they would rather try to survive without water than go without food. Governor Jerry Brown put …
Area Man Recycles, Saves Planet
The eyes of the world were focused on San Diego today, as area man Chase Baron officially saved the planet by recycling his 12-oz can of …
