Photo by: Jacob Aguirre
In a historic referendum late last month, Californians decided that they would rather try to survive without water than go without food. Governor Jerry Brown put forth a bill to allocate the state’s remaining freshwater to the people who really needed it — almond growers.
“The people of California have spoken,” said farmer Blake McGraw. “In a study that compared the tastes of food and water, people overwhelmingly agreed that food generally had more taste. For this reason, my fellow farmers and I have decided that it’s our duty to ask the government to help us supply Californians with the stuff they really want.”
McGraw then shouted “YOLO!” as he rode his Slip ‘n’ Slide into a pile of almonds.
Citizens of East Porterville, California, a town comprised of mostly farmhands, are some of the people most affected by this decision. Although some weather forecasts promised an end to the severe drought upon the arrival of El Nino, one resident of East Porterville says the city now has just “a puddle.” But many residents consider this a huge improvement from having “not even a puddle.”
The news comes as California farmers celebrate their record sales of almonds and other produce. Although each almond takes one gallon of water to produce, Governor Brown said, “as citizens of this great state, we would rather have some dark chocolate- covered almonds with us as we meet our demise.”
Residents of East Porterville have not missed the irony of their situation. More than 900 of the town’s wells have dried up, forcing residents to rely on bottled water to shower after a long day’s work watering citrus trees. Desperate citizens have taken to consuming almonds to quench their thirst.
“One gallon of water went into these things, so theoretically we should get one gallon out!” argued farm worker Luis Bocanegra.
In response to the exceptional drought the state is facing, Governor Jerry Brown set mandatory restrictions on water use on everyone but farmers.
“The citizens of California have to realize that we all need to conserve water, except for farmers. Although some people on Reddit suggested it, it’s not financially or scientifically feasible to pull water from the ocean, unless the farmers need us to. I personally will be showering using exclusively bottled water so that the farmers of this great state can keep sending me almonds,” the governor stated in a speech to lawmakers that took place on an almond farm. In terms of providing solutions, the governor has advised the state “to conserve our drinking water, because the farmers have let me know that their crops are happier when their water is clean.”
As they wait out the drought, the population of East Porterville has been forced to turn to local churches for water. “It’s looking more and more like ‘Mad Max’ out here. The one with Charlize Theron, not ‘Thunderdome,’” said Pastor Frankie Olmedo. “People have been buying bottled water to shower, stealing water from the last few wells, and just the other day I saw someone playing a flamethrower guitar.”
Although the pastor does not encourage stealing or the creation of flamethrower guitars, he said “at this point we’re basically already in Hell.”
