Volume 22 Issue 5
Persephone Refuses to Leave Underworld Due to Climate Change Denial
The polar vortex that affected the midwestern United States has caused many politicians to further their belief that “climate change is nothing but a hoax.” An …
Updated CAPEs to Include Judgement of Peers
In a sweeping new initiative intended to solve all problems with educational feedback, the evaluations students fill out each quarter at the University of California, San …
White Ann Arbor Child Finds Worm in Apple, Michigan Governor Issues State of Emergency
Late last week, in the wake of the Flint water crisis, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder issued a second state of emergency, after Timmy Smithy-Johnson, son of …
HarperCollins Announces Release of Newly-Discovered Harper Lee “Lost Manuscripts”
In the wake of the recent passing of Harper Lee, author of the classic novel “To Kill a Mockingbird,” the HarperCollins publishing company announced the discovery …
Californians Forced to Choose Between Water and Food, Almonds Win
In a historic referendum late last month, Californians decided that they would rather try to survive without water than go without food. Governor Jerry Brown put …
Catholics Postpone St. Patrick’s Day until after Lent, Plan to Get Drunk Guilt-Free
For the first time in history, the Vatican has selected to change the date of this year’s St. Patrick’s Day from March 17 to March 28, …
LAPD Officers Arrested in LAPD Drug Bust on LAPD Cocaine Stronghold
An enormous drug bust carried out by local authorities in a San Bernadino suburb Monday morning resulted in the seizure of millions of dollars’ worth of …
Badass First Year Skips First Discussion Section of His College Career
When first-year UCSD student David Jones finally found the courage to skip his 8 a.m. Math 10A discussion section last Monday at Warren Lecture Hall, he …
Far Right Calls for End to Annual Migration of Monarch Butterflies
The presidential campaign took yet another interesting turn late last month, as a far-right political party called for a press conference to demand a stop to …
Area Man Recycles, Saves Planet
The eyes of the world were focused on San Diego today, as area man Chase Baron officially saved the planet by recycling his 12-oz can of …
