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Badass First Year Skips First Discussion Section of His College Career

Written by: The MQ

“First you stop wearing your lanyard, now you skip discussion. You’re quite the rebel, Jones,” said Jones to himself. “One day you might hold hands with a girl!”
Photo by: Jen Windor

When first-year UCSD student David Jones finally found the courage to skip his 8 a.m. Math 10A discussion section last Monday at Warren Lecture Hall, he finally felt as if though he had finally proven himself. “I’ve never felt such a strange combination of personal satisfaction and complete laziness,” commented Jones.

Jones claimed that his inspiration for skipping his first discussion section came from traumatizing personal experiences in class during the first weeks of winter quarter.

“It was terrible. I would ask the TA to work through problem 15 in the homework, and he would angrily start ranting in Russian. He even began to throw chalk at me at one point. That was when I first began to consider skipping section,” Jones solemnly stated, a tear in his eye.

Stacey Houston, a fellow classmate, remarked on Jones’s situation stating that “he was probably so traumatized because this was the discussion section for 20E, not 10A. All that chalk-throwing and Russian yelling probably contributed too though.”

Other classmates of Jones were asked for comments concerning the TA. “Our TA would frequently write insanely difficult problems on the board and challenge us to solve them. It was quite intimidating when he called on you to solve a problem, especially considering the fact he kept a list of students who incorrectly solved a problem,” stated Tony Stanson. “At the end of the week, everyone on the list is forced to play a game of Russian Roulette, which probably explains the drop in section attendance over the last couple of weeks.”

Interestingly, when questioned as to the identity of this TA, Jones had this to say: “He never wrote his name on the board, and none of the other faculty were aware of his employment, nor his existence. It’s as if the whole thing was just a dream.”

Jones continued, stating that “after almost dying five times in Russian Roulette, as well as being humiliated for my mathematical incompetence, I realized that no mathematical review is worth my life, and most importantly, my precious time. As such, I decided to just not attend. I was afraid at first my T.A. would hunt me down and try to kill me, but after a couple of days I realized I was in the clear.”

Despite this traumatizing experience, Jones is thankful for it, as it made him realize the merits of skipping class. “I just feel so cool!” exclaimed Jones. “It’s like, I wake up at 7 a.m., and I’m super tired. I know I have to attend class, but I just go back to sleep. I honestly feel empowered, like I’m fighting the system! I mean, what college student skips class?”

Jones added, “I feel that through my laziness and procrastination, I am an innovator. I hope I can be a role model other college students can look up to. When other students get stressed about their obligations, I hope they think of me and realize the benefits of forgoing their responsibilities, like preventing sleep deprivation or attending college for a fifth year! Isn’t that awesome? By slacking off, you could attend college even longer than you’re supposed to! Considering I love UCSD so much, I plan on slacking off as much as possible!”

While the TA may never be identified, the only thing that remains truly certain is that David Jones will not be found in a lecture hall for the foreseeable future.

“When I stopped attending section and realized no one cared, I then realized the same applies to lecture. This discovery opened up a new sense of freedom and blissful ignorance I never knew possible. Once I establish my underground iClicker exchange network, I will finally become unstoppable!”

Written by: Luke Tribble

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