Cole Greenbaun
UCSD Professor Reluctant to Go Back to Class Because of “All Those Lame Freshies”
UCSD Mathematics Professor Ralph P. Olson recently expressed that he shares the “dread” of going back to school this fall with his students, mainly because of …
Eagles Fans Disappointed in Super Bowl Win: “We’ve Peaked”
This past Sunday, the Philadelphia Eagles won their first Super Bowl, beating the New England Patriots decisively 41-33. Local Philadelphians, after rioting and turning the Liberty …
Editorial: With All the Upheaval in Hollywood, Thank God We Have Good Men Like Lauer Submitted November 26, 2017
It seems like every day there’s another piece of news all about how a well respected actor, Hollywood executive, or journalist who was considered a role …
Area Men in “Stall Standoff” as Both Refuse to Poop Until the Other Leaves Restroom
After five days of awkward coughing, sneaker squeaking, and forced grunts, area men Chris Matthews and Matt Chrishews have stood their ground in what the locals …
Graduating Senior Regrets Time Not Spent Complaining About UCSD
Graduating UCSD senior Cameron Phloss recently publicly admitted that when reflecting on his four years in college, he found that much of his time was wasted …
James Cameron to Film All Four “Avatar” Sequels in One Take
Director James Cameron has announced today that not only will he film all four “Avatar” sequels back to back starting this summer, but he will also …
Man Discovers Other Religions “Not Just Different Forms of Catholicism”
Area man Jeff Matalazano recently discovered in a “light conversation about anti-Semitism,” that most other religions are not “just Catholicism without Jesus in some parts.” “I’m …
Children’s Book About Mean Frog “Not a Sociopolitical Metaphor,” Author Insists
The new children’s book by author Rachel Bradberry has been lauded recently for its “careful, subtle rhetoric about today’s society” despite the author’s claims that “it’s …
U.S. Prison Guards Negligent, Panopticon-Opticon Built to Watch Guards
In a recent study of United States prisons, 83 percent of prison guards were found to be not watching prisoners for a majority of their shifts. …
Breaks Time, Man Builds Time Machine
Scientists have joined to stabilize the continuum, but don’t believe they can fix time until either 2073 or 307 B.C. “The first thing I did with …
