Area Men in “Stall Standoff” as Both Refuse to Poop Until the Other Leaves Restroom

Written by: Cole Greenbaun

“Time to make my move. He’ll have to leave after this,” said both men to themselves, each readying a barrage of flatulence.
Photo by: Jessica Ma

After five days of awkward coughing, sneaker squeaking, and forced grunts, area men Chris Matthews and Matt Chrishews have stood their ground in what the locals are calling “The San Diego Stall Standoff.” After simultaneously entering the local Chick-Fil-A men’s bathroom and going into adjacent stalls, both men silently vowed to themselves to “not let my dirty flap-hole rockets touch down” until the other man had left the restroom.

“Look, I just can’t deal with another person hearing my twiddly-donks complete a perfect cannonball into the Sewer-Flakes Cereal bowl right now,” said Matthews. “I have a lot on my plate right now. I mean literally, seeing as two Deluxe Sandwiches and a Grilled Market Salad are waiting for me on the outside. I just want to be able to let my newborn Cincinnati Zoo otters play in peace for once in my goddamn life.”

Chrishews has said that he understands Matthews’ reasoning, but swears this doesn’t mean he will “churn Papa’s fresh baked bean
butter” first. “I’ve dealt with this everyday for the past week at work, okay?”
Chrishews said, glancing under the stall to see if Matthews’ feet were still there. “They took away the dividers in between the urinals, and Geoff has, I swear to God, taken the urinal right next to mine every time I go to pee. There’s six urinals! Six! He doesn’t have to choose the one next to mine! It’s absolute insanity! Then all I can manage is a dribble of drool out of the mouth of my limbless, narcoleptic, Medal of Honor earning Vietnam veteran, til Geoff has successfully shaked, rattled, and rolled, and left the bathroom. I swear to god, this time I will tuck my mud boys snug into their waterbed and give them a glass of fresh squirted lemonade alone, no matter what.”

While Chrishews’ family has remained supportive of his cause, and have been making daily trips to supply him with food, water, and newspapers, Matthews’ wife, Christine Matthews-Christopherhews has expressed that she has had enough.

“Honestly, this is ridiculous,” said Matthews-Christopherhews. “I’ve seen my husband drop a roll of chocolate covered pennies off the side of the Empire Stool Building so hard he’s incapacitated one of our kids, and yet he can’t skip a polished turdstone into Lake Porcelain Waters in front of a stranger. It’s days like these I regret not running off with that dashing young man I saw greenlighting a sequel to ‘There Will Be Blood’ in the Wal-Mart parking lot all those years ago. Now that was a man.”

Reportedly, the stall standoff came to a conclusion on the sixth day, when local child Christopher M. Atthew entered the bathroom unknowingly and “did a reverse all-you can-eat hometown buffet” into the bathroom’s only urinal. According to sources, both Chrishews and Matthews then silently zipped up their pants, flushed their empty toilets, and left the bathroom without making eye contact nor washing their hands.

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