UCSD Professor Reluctant to Go Back to Class Because of “All Those Lame Freshies”

Written by: Cole Greenbaun

“The final will be worth 30 percent of your grade, but I already 100 percent don’t give a shit,” Professor Olson said. Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot

UCSD Mathematics Professor Ralph P. Olson recently expressed that he shares the “dread” of going back to school this fall with his students, mainly because of “all those spoon-gagging, ugly freshies.”

“Uggggghhhhhhhh,” Olson grumbled while vaping. “School blows, man. Especially when I have to deal with those lame ass freshmen. Uck, they ruin the campus aesthetic with their shitty beards and pester my email with ‘questions’ about ‘my class.’ Like, get a life, nerds.”

According to incoming freshmen in Olson’s upcoming MATH 20C class, Olson sent out an email in late August titled “Syllabus” that looked as if it contained the syllabus and expectations for the quarter, but instead only consisted of a picture of him “flipping off the camera in a Jimmy Buffett Tour shirt in what looked like the parking lot of a Jacksonville Popeyes Chicken,” with the words “Suck it Lanyard Tinybodies!” underneath.

“Yeah, I call freshmen Lanyard Tinybodies!” Olson said while constructing a “meme” for the “UCSD Memes for Sexy Professors” Facebook page. “Hilarious right!? It’s because they’re tiny and wear lanyards. Call me Professor Goldson because I just struck comedy gold…son!”

Olson then proceeded to laugh at his own joke for the rest of the interview.

While Olson’s comments may seem harmless to anyone not entering college this year as a freshman, the comments have reportedly taken a toll on incoming freshman morale. In a poll conducted by orientation leaders, only 14 percent of freshmen were “Totally Siked for College!!” and “shockingly” 74 percent were “Mostly Ready to Slip Into a Eucalyptus Haze of Depression and Stress for the Foreseeable Future.”

This is not the first time this has happened, as Olson is a part of a small cohort of professors known as “Super Teachers,” a group that the university has granted “double tenure.” Chancellor Khosla admitted that the university has been pressing Olson and some other “Super Teachers” to leave for years, but they have “just kind of hung around.”

“Most of them are hardworking professors who are taking the extra time they need, but the others like to hang around and act like they own the place. Its given off a kind of creepy vibe,” Khosla said. “I figured if I told them I tenured them twice, they’d think they were too good for UCSD and leave. I mean it’s not too hard to think you’re better than UCSD, just look at all the freshman we get with shitty beards, we aren’t Coolsville, USA, ya dig?”

“Look, it’s not that I hate freshmen, they just don’t get it,” Olson said. “I’ve been here for five years now and yeah, when I came here I was nervous and a little scared about fitting in, but look at me now! I’m cool as Coolsville, USA, and being scared and nervous is lame, so they obviously don’t understand how it works around here.”

While many incoming students have been discouraged by Olson’s comments, freshman John Puckett was reportedly undeterred, stating: “I’m excited for Professor Olson’s class. Especially because I noticed Professor Olson and I have the same style. Our Beards? Shitty. Our Jimmy? Buffett. Our enthusiasm for math? Non-existent.”

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