Graduating Senior Regrets Time Not Spent Complaining About UCSD

Written by: Cole Greenbaun

And with this, Phloss had completed his goal of flipping off all 24 pieces of the Stuart Collection.
Photo by: Jessica Ma

Graduating UCSD senior Cameron Phloss recently publicly admitted that when reflecting on his four years in college, he found that much of his time was wasted lying in bed sleeping, watching TV, and browsing Reddit, rather than complaining about how bad UCSD is as a college.

“Look, I’ll say what no one else is saying and no one, including myself, has said in the past four years,” said Phloss. “UCSD is a shitty school. We have no social life, and no school spirit ’cause we don’t have a football team. It’s like UCSD is an acronym, not for the official name for our school, but instead for a representation of the dissatisfaction students feel when attending school here. Oh! Like Unfulfilling Campus of Sadistic Dalmatians!”

Phloss regrets not putting words to the feelings he had throughout his time at UCSD, instead of spending his time watching League of Legends strategy videos while pretending to study for midterms.

“So much time wasted!” Phloss lamented. “College is supposed to be the time of my life, where I can stand up and find my voice! But instead of getting out there and complaining to anyone who would listen about how the quarter system sucks, and how Sun God is never going to be good again, I wasted my time eating at Canyon Vista every night for dinner and then going home to binge-watch Prison Break on Netflix. And Prison Break isn’t even that good!”

Phloss does not seem to be alone in his regret that he did not complain enough about UCSD, with many other students feeling the same way.

“All my friends would go out every night on the weekends to a concert, or a cool restaurant in downtown, complaining the night away on how UCSD feels like a corporation churning out degrees,” said senior Michelle Vargas, “and every time, I would turn them down claiming I was too sleepy from sleeping in till noon that day. Now it’s too late and I can only look back at the fun I could’ve had.”

When asked for comment, Chancellor Khosla reaffirmed UCSD’s dedication to allowing students to complain as much as they need to, citing the students’ right to free speech.

“Since I have become chancellor, it has always been my priority to encourage all students to find ways to complain about UCSD.” said Khosla. “We’ve started many construction projects to increase the amount of students in order to reduce years of guaranteed on-campus housing and reduce parking on campus, and we even self-sabotaged the D1 proposal! All this in order to create the best complaint-producing campus in the UC system. Personally, I’ve even tried to get the students to complain by living in my huge, huge, huge mansion (which is how I’ve referred to it in all press briefings) and by bragging about my salary every chance I get. We are doing everything we can to make students complain.”

Not all students regret their time at UCSD, however, with sophomore Colin Gren offering a different perspective.

“I don’t think my time at UCSD was wasted,” said Gren. “I made a bunch of amazing friends, joined a superb print media org, and grew as a person, I’d like to think. As for complaining about UCSD, I’m transferring after this quarter so I think that’s the biggest complaint I could make.”

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