Cole Greenbaun

ArticlesLocalNews

Local Man Fixes Sink, As the Prophecy Foretold

Written by: Cole Greenbaun

Late last Monday night, Dave DeFranco did what was thought to be impossible and what is considered by most men to be a “true miracle: “he …

ArticlesEditorialOpinion

Marvel’s Luke Cage: Bulletproof Logic

Written by: Cole Greenbaun

After finally making my way through all 13 hours of the new Netflix TV show, Marvel’s Luke Cage, I have to say I’m impressed. This being …

Briefs

At Least Eight Men Reported Dad in a Horrific 16-Person Accident

Written by: Cole Greenbaun

In a horrible turn of events, an accident Saturday night claimed the lives of at least eight men. Witnesses report the accident was the cause of …

ArticlesNewsTech

Apple CEO Haunted by iPhone 7 Feedback, Steve Jobs’ Ghost

Written by: Cole Greenbaun

Just two weeks after Apple’s September 2016 Keynote, the newly announced iPhone 7 has been met with negative feedback due to the phone’s lack of headphone …

ArticlesLocalNews

Man Gets Athlete’s Foot, Finds It in His Mailbox

Written by: Cole Greenbaun

This past week, area man Chris Ella found himself quite perplexed. Although he kept himself and his environment very clean, Ella was self-diagnosed with an athlete’s …

Briefs

Incoming Freshman Ready for First Day of Existential Crisis

Written by: Cole Greenbaun

Freshman Rachel Torres has been excited all summer for school to start and for her first real ground-shattering existential crisis at UCSD. “I’ve just been so …

ArticlesNews

Scientists Finally Demolish the Greenhouse that Has Been Causing Global Warming

Written by: Cole Greenbaun

In a sudden reversal, environmental scientists have declared that global warming will in fact stop by the year 2022, thanks to the efforts of the environmental …

ArticlesNews

Researchers Find that Title of Children’s Book is Barinsten Baers, Society Crumbles

Written by: Cole Greenbaun

In a shocking development this past Friday, scientists from the University of Virginia have revealed an extensive amount of research that proves that the popular children’s …

Briefs

Man Successfully Blames Fart on Whoever Smelt it

Written by: Cole Greenbaun

Last Thursday, local James Fernow managed to do what was once deemed “impossible” by top scientists. After releasing a behemoth 12 second silent fart, Fernow successfully …

ArticlesNews

White Ann Arbor Child Finds Worm in Apple, Michigan Governor Issues State of Emergency

Written by: Cole Greenbaun

Late last week, in the wake of the Flint water crisis, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder issued a second state of emergency, after Timmy Smithy-Johnson, son of …