Cole Greenbaun
Local Man Fixes Sink, As the Prophecy Foretold
Late last Monday night, Dave DeFranco did what was thought to be impossible and what is considered by most men to be a “true miracle: “he …
Marvel’s Luke Cage: Bulletproof Logic
After finally making my way through all 13 hours of the new Netflix TV show, Marvel’s Luke Cage, I have to say I’m impressed. This being …
At Least Eight Men Reported Dad in a Horrific 16-Person Accident
In a horrible turn of events, an accident Saturday night claimed the lives of at least eight men. Witnesses report the accident was the cause of …
Apple CEO Haunted by iPhone 7 Feedback, Steve Jobs’ Ghost
Just two weeks after Apple’s September 2016 Keynote, the newly announced iPhone 7 has been met with negative feedback due to the phone’s lack of headphone …
Man Gets Athlete’s Foot, Finds It in His Mailbox
This past week, area man Chris Ella found himself quite perplexed. Although he kept himself and his environment very clean, Ella was self-diagnosed with an athlete’s …
Incoming Freshman Ready for First Day of Existential Crisis
Freshman Rachel Torres has been excited all summer for school to start and for her first real ground-shattering existential crisis at UCSD. “I’ve just been so …
Scientists Finally Demolish the Greenhouse that Has Been Causing Global Warming
In a sudden reversal, environmental scientists have declared that global warming will in fact stop by the year 2022, thanks to the efforts of the environmental …
Researchers Find that Title of Children’s Book is Barinsten Baers, Society Crumbles
In a shocking development this past Friday, scientists from the University of Virginia have revealed an extensive amount of research that proves that the popular children’s …
Man Successfully Blames Fart on Whoever Smelt it
Last Thursday, local James Fernow managed to do what was once deemed “impossible” by top scientists. After releasing a behemoth 12 second silent fart, Fernow successfully …
White Ann Arbor Child Finds Worm in Apple, Michigan Governor Issues State of Emergency
Late last week, in the wake of the Flint water crisis, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder issued a second state of emergency, after Timmy Smithy-Johnson, son of …