Just two weeks after Apple’s September 2016 Keynote, the newly announced iPhone 7 has been met with negative feedback due to the phone’s lack of headphone jack, expensive new wireless earbuds, and less-than-breakthrough advancements. Apple CEO Tim Cook has not been taking the feedback well, as recent reports say that the CEO has been “moody” and has been found weeping in a storage closet at Apple’s headquarters several times in the past week.
“Look, I’m fine,” said Cook, audibly sniffling. “Okay, maybe I’ve been a little stressed out recently. But do I care that I work really hard to create innovative products and then people just shit on them because they’re stupid dicks? Of course not. We put a lot of thought into this new iPhone, at least two hours worth of thought, maybe three, and I will not let that hard work be tarnished.”
Cook attributes his stressed-out state to recent paranormal events occurring at his home. According to Cook, former Apple CEO Steve Jobs has come back from the dead as an all-powerful, soul-sucking banshee and has been harassing Cook since the keynote for his “stupidity,” his “uncreative ideas,” and for “being a total nerd.”
“What the dick are you doing with my company, man?!” wailed Jobs, his eyes two black holes of despair. “No headphone jack, but a freaking adapter dongle? Wireless headphones that cost almost as much as an iPhone 4? That’s the stupidest thing since the hockey puck mouse, but at least I had enough courage to own my mistake!”
Cook has been trying to stay steadfast against both Jobs and the negative feedback, but is visibly defeated, reportedly coming into work in sweatpants instead of adhering to the strict dress-code-mandated jeans.
“Look, in this industry you have to take risks to succeed. Have we gone overboard in the pursuit of an iPhone so slim you could snap it like a cracker? Maybe. Okay, probably!” shouted Cook as Jobs screamed in his ear about his lack of a turtleneck. “But that’s beside the point. I have complete faith in my employees. So when Jony Ives said ‘the headphone jack is for chumps, see ya sucka,’ I trusted him to make the right choice. I doubted him at first of course. I mean, really, getting rid of the headphone jack? That’s crazy. But when Ives said ‘shut up, you old fogey,’ I realized he had a point. It is for chumps. I know our consumers will realize that soon enough.”
Surprisingly, a large amount of Apple’s primary consumer base has actually vocally doubted the company’s recent choice in design.
“I’ve been with Apple since the Pippin console,” said Dave Stratas, self-proclaimed Apple lover, “but this may be a little too far. I love the normal Apple headphones, but I’m already low on funds from buying an Apple Watch Series 2, the iPhone 7, and the iPhone 7 Plus for when I’m feeling fancy. I feel like I could lose these wireless AirPods really easily. Oh well. I really have no other choice.”
Cook hopes that even though he’s feeling down because of the mixed reviews, doubts, and everlasting color wheel on his Macbook that Jobs’ ghost is causing, he will persevere. He’s trying as hard as possible to ignore all negative feedback and Jobs’ horrifying spirit to focus on Apple’s next big thing.
“I’ve found the best thing to do is to drown out his wailing and attempts to suck my soul into a barren hellscape with some music,” said Cook pulling out a pair of Bose headphones and plugging them into a Samsung Galaxy S7. “Great quality on these things, it’s like he isn’t even here!”