Volume 23 Issue 1
Apple CEO Haunted by iPhone 7 Feedback, Steve Jobs’ Ghost
Just two weeks after Apple’s September 2016 Keynote, the newly announced iPhone 7 has been met with negative feedback due to the phone’s lack of headphone …
Libertarian Party Polls at Record Highs, Nobody Notices
Recent polls show Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson polling at an earth-shattering 13 percent versus Democratic and Republican candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, respectively. “This is …
Dakota Pipeline Helpfully Threatens Native Lands
Energy Transfer’s Dakota Access Pipeline, a projected crude oil pipe spanning North and South Dakota, Iowa, and Illinois, has received great praise in recent weeks for …
Tornado Unfairly Redistricts Communities, Republicans Say
Tragedy struck mainland Iowa this week when the worst tornado in recent history ripped its way through Madison and Des Moines. However, some are saying that …
Only Good Roles for Actresses Over 50 are as Asian Men, Tilda Swinton Shows
As Doctor Strange is set for release in early November, with a projected opening weekend box office in the hundred millions, more actresses are realizing that …
Recently Reopened Planned Parenthood Re-closed
The national debate over reproductive rights took yet another unexpected turn as a Texas abortion clinic was re-closed for the 47th time since its opening in …
Student Happy to Spend Entire Summer and Bank Account on Internship
As the academic year starts again at UCSD, most returning students will be entering the lecture halls, reminiscing with their friends and sharing tales of traveling, …
Man Gets Athlete’s Foot, Finds It in His Mailbox
This past week, area man Chris Ella found himself quite perplexed. Although he kept himself and his environment very clean, Ella was self-diagnosed with an athlete’s …
FDA Approves Dave’s Thursday Night Plans to “Hang with the Guys”
This week, the Food and Drug Administration approved pharmaceutical CEO Dave Forfa’s plans to “just go grab some wings and catch the game” this upcoming Thursday. …
That Rainbow in the Sky is Too Radical
I saw a rainbow in the sky yesterday, right in between a cloud and a patch of blue, and I’m not saying I have a problem …
