Photo by: Hannah Rosenblatt
Recent polls show Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson polling at an earth-shattering 13 percent versus Democratic and Republican candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, respectively.
“This is huge news for our campaign,” said Libertarian Vice Presidential candidate Bill Weld. “Our rallies are now drawing literally tens of people. I think we really have a chance of tying our party’s record for one electoral vote.”
Phil Lacio attended a recent Libertarian party rally. When asked about the event, he said “That’s what that was? I thought I was in line for the bathroom,” he said. “I wasn’t even aware that there was a political party for librarians.”
Anna Chiang, another attendee, simply said, “There was a Pikachu in the convention center.”
Others seemed more enthusiastic. “I am proud to #feelthejohnson,” said lifelong Libertarian Cletus Jacobson. “No other candidate has pledged to let gay transgender couples defend their marijuana plants with assault rifles.”
Johnson and the Libertarians will have some competition over the voters dissatisfied with the two real candidates, however. Others have said they would prefer to waste their votes on Jill Stein, the Green Party nominee. Stein had this to say:
“Johnson better back the fuck off. He may have beaten us in 2012, but I am not about to let that homeopathy-denying, GMO-eating ignoramus almost win again. That third place is as good as mine, and we will take it or die trying.”
Former Bernie Sanders supporters are flocking to support Johnson and Stein, contributing to Johnson’s poll increase. Jen Malinowski, for example, once a die-hard Sanders fan, is considering voting Libertarian. “I was genuinely surprised when Clinton won the Democratic nomination — everyone I’m following on Tumblr was voting for Bernie, so I thought he had it in the bag,” she said, “I am glad to know that there is another option, even if this one won’t magically pull free college and healthcare out of his ass.”
“We are not concerned by Johnson’s rise in the polls,” said a Trump campaign spokesman, when reached for comment. “We believe that Mr. Trump will be able to deal with this new opponent as efficiently as he did with Trump Hotels and Casinos Resorts, Trump Entertainment Resorts, his chances with Hispanic voters, and his first two marriages. We prefer to focus our efforts on defeating Clinton, a dangerous candidate whose values and attitudes are diametrically opposed to ours and must be stopped at all costs.”
“We are not concerned by Johnson’s rise in the polls,” said a Clinton campaign spokeswoman, when reached for comment. “We believe that Mrs. Clinton will be able to deal with this new opponent as efficiently as she did with her email scandal, the US Embassy in Benghazi, Operation Fast and Furious, and the sniper fire she landed under in Bosnia. We prefer to focus our efforts on defeating Trump, a dangerous candidate whose values and attitudes are diametrically opposed to ours and must be stopped at all costs.”
Governor Johnson himself expressed confidence, however. “Normally, I don’t speak to reporters, but I’m just excited that somebody recognized me,” he said, “Mom and Dad will be so proud!”
Written by: Leo Grabowski, staff writer
