Tornado Unfairly Redistricts Communities, Republicans Say

Written by: Barak Tzori

“Toto, I don’t think we’re in District 134A anymore,” said Judge.
Photo by: Jen Windsor

Tragedy struck mainland Iowa this week when the worst tornado in recent history ripped its way through Madison and Des Moines. However, some are saying that the real tragedy will only show itself down-ballot in November.

The F-4 tornado claimed 18 lives, displaced hundreds of families, and ruined countless Dungeons and Dragons campaigns. But 36-year old Republican senator up for re-election, Chuck Grassley, is asserting that the specifics of the devastation may be a little too convenient.

“Of course we must grieve the God-fearing Reaganites lost in this terrible disaster,” politicized senator Grassley at a campaign event. “And while we may not have all the answers in this moment, we certainly do have questions for the Democrats!”

The crowd swelled with cheers as Grassley began to rattle a series of questions that were mostly coherent despite speaking into an unplugged microphone.

“How is it that over 75 percent of those displaced by the tornados were registered Democrats? Does is seem a little strange that most tornado shelters are located in swing districts? Half of the gyms housing the newly homeless are also polling stations. Does that sound coincidental to you?”

Grassley’s Democratic opponent in the upcoming election, Patty Judge, responded to these and other allegations of foul weather play. “Are you serious?” Judge asked, before returning to help lift rubble away from what used to be someone’s childhood home.

“I do not know why this happened to us,” Grassley continued to babble. “Whether it was Obama’s ‘global warming’ or the growing sodomite population, time and time again we are left to ask — why does God let bad things happen to good Republicans?”

Former Ninth Street Des Moines residents and registered Democrats, the Partridge family were asked if their nominee’s lack of answers to Senator Grassley’s questions will raise problems for them in the fall. The couple, both weeping over burnt and destroyed photo albums they will never get to look through again, failed to comment.

Grassley continued his tirade on the scientific phenomenon: “While Patty Judge stays quiet about the tornado, we will fight onward and expose these partisan natural disasters for what they are — the direct consequence of the loose n’ wild, big government spending machine!”

Swift actions by the Obama administration to send Iowa funds from FEMA only served to flame Grassley’s narrative. “And now the long arm of the law has come to bail us out,” said the senator, thick with sarcasm.

“But we don’t need help here in Iowa, do we?” declaimed Grassley, drawing wild cheers from his rally crowd. “No, here in Iowa we pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. We don’t need help getting up and we certainly don’t help others get up!”

Grassley wrapped up his speech with gusto. “But have no fear. Come November we will blow the Democrats away. They won’t know what hit ‘em. They’ll wish they were back in Kansas! Mark my words, we will sweep the ballots like a tornado through a cornfield!”

Judge submitted a request to push this week’s debate between the candidates to a later date in order to focus on the rebuilding effort in the state. Grassley retorted by accusing Judge of dodging the pressing issues at hand. Judge, who was at the time standing in the remains of a pink bedroom, holding the dismembered arms of a teddy bear and a seven-year-old, which were inseparable from each other yet separated from themselves, could not be reached for comment.

Alumnus, Editor-in-Chief 2016-17 at The MQ

Barak Tzori is an MQ Alum and was Editor-in-Chief for the 2016-17 school year.

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