Photo by: Connor Gorry
This past week, area man Chris Ella found himself quite perplexed. Although he kept himself and his environment very clean, Ella was self-diagnosed with an athlete’s foot after finding a muscular, bloody foot in his mailbox.
“I just don’t know how this could happen,” said Ella. “I make sure I keep everything clean at all times, and that includes scrubbing down every nook and cranny whenever I think some moisture may be trapped anywhere. How this could come along and make everything all disgusting is beyond me.” Ella’s predicament has caused fear among some of his neighbors who believe they may also be subject to the spread of an athlete’s foot to their mailboxes, after hearing it could be contagious.
“I just don’t feel safe living next to him now,” said Ella’s neighbor Sarah Sissle. “I’ve shaken hands with him and been around him, and we’ve even played hacky sack barefoot together in his backyard. Now that I’m associated with him, how do I know I won’t be this outbreak’s next victim? I have a track meet next week and I can’t put my best foot forward with all this dragging me down!”
As news of the potential epidemic spread, anti-fungal medication company Lotrimin decided to take advantage of the situation and set up the first ever Lotrimin storefront down the street from Ella’s neighborhood. In addition to selling their antifungal cream meant to “prevent the spread of fungus that comes with an athlete’s foot” the storefront has also started selling bear traps, individual Lego blocks, and metric rulers to ward off any and all feet.
Lotrimin’s arrival, in the form of the storefront and a convenient deodorant powder spray, has done little to quell the rising fears in the community. Parents have begun sending their kids to school wearing heavy parkas and snow pants as protective gear and sans backpacks to ensure no wayward feet are brought home. Most mailboxes in town have been removed, destroyed, or burned.
“It’s just not safe anywhere anymore,” said local man Jeff Wizee at a communal mailbox burning. “It’s all over the news how my family could be next, that I’m not safe with my own mailbox, and how there’s nothing I can possibly do to stop this. The only rational course of action is to freak out as much as possible. At least I can take some comfort in watching these mailboxes go up in smoke, just like my sanity.”
Authorities have issued a statement to the “freaked out” community members about Ella’s athlete’s foot, telling them not to worry about this outbreak.
“After inspecting the appendage left at Mr. Ella’s house, we have discovered that this seems to be a harmless prank by some kids. The foot seems to be from a young student athlete from the high school, sawed off with a Stanley Solid Frame High Tension Hacksaw, before being snapped at the bone and deposited at Mr. Ella’s house that very night. It’s merely kids being kids.”
A week after the original case of athlete’s foot, the number of people struck with athlete’s foot remains at one. The number of injuries caused by stampedes of people buying anti-feet products at the Lotrimin store, the forest fire started by the mailbox burning, and children overheating in their “protective gear” has skyrocketed to a total of 124.
In unrelated news, local student runner Johnny Lewis is on the mend after losing his foot and is expected to make a full recovery, despite being diagnosed with a fungal infection in his stump.
