FDA Approves Dave’s Thursday Night Plans to “Hang with the Guys”


Written by: Barak Tzori

“Man, it’s really not like it used to be,” said Forfa. “Whenever I take Getting Beers with the Bros pills I now have to take hangover pills afterwards too.”
Photo by: Barak Tzori

This week, the Food and Drug Administration approved pharmaceutical CEO Dave Forfa’s plans to “just go grab some wings and catch the game” this upcoming Thursday. After a fairly rigorous testing process, the FDA affirmed the plans were harmless, citing only that they would have “preferred a little more heads up beforehand.”

At the beginning of the approval process, Forfa had many early versions of his plans dismissed by the FDA. Director Susan Mayne cited a number of reasons for rejection ranging from “That place is going to be packed on Thursdays” to “Don’t invite Thomas when you know Jessica is going to be there” to “Over 65 percent of trial rats given these plans exhibited a decreased rate of brain development.”

Once the two sides reached a set of plans they were both comfortable with, the FDA released a statement announcing and discussing the approval.

“I’m sure Mr. Forfa and his friends will have fun at the bar. We distinctly remember us making plans last week to catch up on the new season of Daredevil that night, but it’s okay if he wants to do his own thing. We know Davey needs to feel autonomous in this relationship, and we appreciate the gesture of asking us first. But sometimes it just feels like he’s always trying to find ways to leave the house. Are we too boring? Are we not fun enough to go out and watch the game with him? You know what, we hope he has a great time with this buddies and his wings. Oh and don’t think we haven’t seen the way Dave’s been looking at the EPA.”

Forfa, CEO of It’s My Life and I’ll Do What I Want Pharmaceuticals, announced that the company was satisfied with the final version of the plans and that the company had reached “the best possible compromise that could be achieved, given the numerous hoops to jump through, the FDA’s unreasonably high standards, and its completely unfounded jealousy.” Stockholder Mike Hong, Dave’s friend and coworker at the Starbucks where they work part-time, supported the CEO’s decision and said it would undoubtedly increase stock values, especially if Dave were to cut ties with the FDA following Thursday’s release of the plans. “I know it’s frowned upon to make black-market plans,” Hong asserted, “but Dave has a lot of potential he could execute if he could move forward with plans without running them past a government agency.”

Since Forfa’s announcement, several of his acquaintances have begun to make similar plans with their friends, including “ribs and the game,” “burgers and the game,” and even “fondue and the opera,” from “that rich bastard Alex.” Forfa told an insider that he will not pursue copyright infringement at this time, despite the suspicious similarities of these plans to his own. “I barely got my plans past the FDA,” Dave said. “Let’s see if the SEC will go for fondue when they find out Alex is inviting his ex and how overpriced fondue is.”

Following the initial press release, Forfa has cut ties with the FDA, citing “feeling smothered” by the process of approval for Thursday’s plans. “The clinical trials really pushed it over the edge,” Forfa admitted. “Now all that’s left to do is move on to Friday’s plans, since I guess I’ll be free then.”

The FDA has since issued a recall for all bobby pins dispersed in Dave’s apartment, as well as the comfy bean bag and a green toothbrush.

Written by Barak Tzori and Jen Windsor, editor-in-chief and MQ cool aunt

Alumnus, Editor-in-Chief 2016-17 at The MQ

Barak Tzori is an MQ Alum and was Editor-in-Chief for the 2016-17 school year.

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