Volume 23 Issue 1

ArticlesNewsPolitics

U.S. Makes Extra Small, Extra Large Wallets Adjusts to Income Inequality

Written by: Hannah Rosenblatt

Lead wallet producers across the nation are uniting to create new lines of wallets varying greatly in size, but all equally stylish. The shift in design …

ArticlesLocalNews

Area Man Finds Key to Happiness in Meditation, Two Kilos of Cocaine

Written by: Daniel Clinton

Area man Marcos Stoffer was in his apartment late Monday night when he had a breakthrough in his life-long search for the key to true happiness. …

ArticlesEditorialOpinion

Bus Driver Giveth, Taketh Away, Doesn’t Let You On

Written by: The MQ

You are in line for the bus. The line wraps around the corner of the block, towards the bottomless abyss of Never Getting to Class on …

ArticlesLocalNews

Local Diner Overhauls Menu, Serves Only “Shit Sandwiches”

Written by: Chris Jin

Eagles’ Cafe, a popular local restaurant, has implemented drastic menu changes as part of a general overhaul of the restaurant’s branding, expected to continue into this …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

California Union Union Members Go On Strike, Halting California Union Strikes

Written by: Lawrence Lee

The California Union Union, the largest California professional “union union,” which protects union union members working in unions, went on strike Friday, effectively ceasing most of …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

President Erdogan Outlines New Plan to Use Ataturk Rolling Over in Grave as Renewable Energy Source

Written by: Chris Jin

The turmoil in Turkey following the recent failed coup attempt in July seemed to find a reprieve last week as Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan announced …

ArticlesLocalNews

Amateur Acupuncturists Under Fire for Unknowingly Administering Vaccines

Written by: Lawrence Lee

The California-based A.A.A.A.A.A. (Association of Amateur Acupuncturists and Alternative Ailment Alleviators) announced that over the past year, some of its members had accidentally administered vaccines to …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

U.S. Bans All GMOs “Except the Really Cool Ones”

Written by: Hannah Rosenblatt

The FDA recently released a set of stricter guidelines for producing GMOs, allowing for only products exhibiting the highest scores in categories such as “color/shiny index …

Briefs

Congressional Bill, Known as “Zeno’s Bill,” First Has to Get Half its Votes

Written by: Barak Tzori

“Zeno’s bill,” introduced by New Hampshire Senator Jeanne Shaheen, is having a hard time getting traction in Congress. The legislation that intends to give tortoises a …

Briefs

Incoming Freshman Ready for First Day of Existential Crisis

Written by: Cole Greenbaun

Freshman Rachel Torres has been excited all summer for school to start and for her first real ground-shattering existential crisis at UCSD. “I’ve just been so …