U.S. Bans All GMOs “Except the Really Cool Ones”

Written by: Hannah Rosenblatt

Sadly, the artichoke would die in a plane-exit malfunction later that day, leaving behind a wife, a child, and a mopey Tom Cruise.
Photo by: Connor Gorry

The FDA recently released a set of stricter guidelines for producing GMOs, allowing for only products exhibiting the highest scores in categories such as “color/shiny index of product,” “cool points,” and “appeal to the lower-upper-class activist people who are rich and numerous enough to influence the market and news coverage.”

The guidelines were developed in response to growing disapproval from American citizens over the use of GMOs. They aim to allocate resources for only the most beneficial and socially necessary GMO products, like the up-and-coming panda bear-shaped apples.

Sharon Begemann, strong advocator of the guidelines, claimed that they were a necessary step for safer, more efficient research and production of crops.

“It makes me feel a lot safer that these new guidelines are there to ensure the food my family eats will be the food they deserve,” said Begemann. “I can stop analyzing every piece of fruit and violently throwing them on the ground when I discover they’re GMOs.”

She explained that “as an avid skimmer of newspapers and a health conscious mother of two, I am happy to feed my kids the new line of Brussels sprouts that grow alternating layers of bacon leaves. However, I’m not sure I approve of those attempts to increase rice crop resilience I’ve heard about on the news. Why would you need to make even more rice or make it more powerful than just normal rice? That seems just plain excessive,.People should be happy with what they get and not ask for more. It’s just so unnatural.”

Whole Foods worker and avid mason jar bedazzler Nathan Gusteau also voiced his support for the guidelines.

“I’m really excited that more funds and resources are being directed towards what’s really important,” he said. “I heard one company is pushing to create a new strain of genetically modified green beans that are guaranteed to be at least 45 percent more organic than other organic products on the market!

“This is such a breakthrough — I don’t see why it’s not getting more attention. Humanity has always struggled to make things as natural and organic as possible, and now scientists have finally found the right array of genetic modifications and chemical treatments to synthesize true purity.”

U.S. Legislature is urging other countries to take up similar policies in order to develop a higher international standard for agricultural products. In a recently released memo, they have outlined detailed descriptions of their approval process for new GMO research and production, with their mission statement of “making aestheticism a priority in our food.”

The release has also been accompanied by a robust ad campaign, with billboards featuring drought-resistant red-eyed wheat being stepped on by a victorious-looking blue orange riding a pig with wings. Other ads include the letters “G-M-O-s” with an “N” above the “O” and an “(Almost)” above the “N.”

“It seems that there is remarkably widespread advocacy for these guidelines, making them pretty much fail-proof in the eyes of the public,” explained USDA Administrator Robert Dorris in an earlier interview. “The only way this policy could have more support would be if the fruits and veggies could talk for themselves.” At press time, the FDA was approving funding for the production of talking tomatoes, expected to be in markets by 2019.

Hannah Rosenblatt is an MQ alum. She was the 2017-18 Editor-in-Chief.

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