Hannah Rosenblatt
Graduating Biology Student Pursues Ph.D., Excited to Have Stable Career by Late Fourties
UCSD student Sarah Rosenberg accepted her fate as a graduate student last Sunday during a brief moment of introspection that was squeezed in between finishing an …
Study Finds Josh
Area middle-aged slacker and unreliable reporter Josh finally decided to show his face again late Monday afternoon after missing a whole three weeks of work and …
Bottomless Pit Found Not to Be Bottomless
A small pebble was tossed into a large, seemingly bottomless pit early last week by third grade student Darius Macondo. The pebble has reportedly not yet …
Man Awaiting Ultimate Heat Death of Universe Unimpressed by Rate of Global Warming
“Some people would say I’m a climate change denier,” Forms elaborated, “On the contrary, I consider myself a science and evidence-based man. All I’m saying is …
New American Diplomacy Policy Released as “Act First, Don’t Ask Questions Later, Hope No One Else Does Either”
The White House has recently released a new statement outlining future approaches to foreign policy and international affairs which, according to Press Secretary Sarah Sanders, the …
Recent Housing Applicant Excited To Be Judged Only by Credit Score
San Diego resident Melissa Fuller turned in a housing application for a modest studio apartment last Thursday, and is feeling positive about the process. Fuller reportedly …
Chip-On-Your-Shoulder Recently Promoted to Time- To-Freak-The- Fuck-Out-Alarm
An up-and-coming Chip On Your Shoulder has been slowly but surely building up its confidence to become more than a minor nag. After successfully spreading its …
Bystander-Performed Surgery Not Completely Fatal, Proves Non-Necessity of Healthcare
San Diego local Marc Lehman was reported as “still mostly alive” after suffering a severe car crash in early May. Lehman’s survival is being hailed by …
Climate Change Denier Found under Rock, Appointed to Head of EPA
Local business owner Earl Coombs was found early last Monday after having gone missing nearly 32 years ago under a large boulder in Yosemite National Park. …
Put Your Children’s Future in My Capable, Perfectly Manicured Hands and You Won’t Regret It
America, I am here to tell you that all of your youths are in safe hands. I cannot say yet exactly whose hands those will be …
