Bystander-Performed Surgery Not Completely Fatal, Proves Non-Necessity of Healthcare

Written by: Hannah Rosenblatt

“Hey, look — if I do CPR, the blood squirts REEEAL far,” noted Gaulle.
Photo by: Jessica Ma

San Diego local Marc Lehman was reported as “still mostly alive” after suffering a severe car crash in early May. Lehman’s survival is being hailed by many as a breakthrough in medical science, as he was treated by a bystander, Amy Gaulle, passing the crash with no medical training. Lehman is currently recovering at his home on a strict regimen of water and the strongest pain killers available without a prescription. Since the crash, he has only experienced minor incidents of blacking out, extremely painful outbursts, and vomiting blood.

Lehman’s experience is being used as an example of effective, cheap medical care without governmental intervention by several members of Congress. While promoting the implementation of the American Health Care Act, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan invited Lehman to speak, and cited Gaulle’s efforts as “showing a level of ingenuity and responsibility that the federal government could never compete with.” Lehman has since become a proud spokesperson for amateur medical intervention, but was unable to make an appearance after seizing and passing out earlier that morning.

In an interview following the initial crash, Gaulle explained that she was able to use two metal rods to remove larger chunks of debris in Lehman’s abdomen which she sterilized using a handle of vodka she had purchased earlier that day. She then wrapped a large portion of his chest and stomach in a ripped-up T-shirt and a towel found in Lehman’s trunk.

“I’m just happy that I was able to help,” explained Gaulle. “It was incredible to witness firsthand the power of creativity in the face of necessity. I just want people to know that if I can provide medical aid to a man without the government giving me an official ‘clean room’ or scalpels, then so can you.” Gaulle, now invested in the recovery of her patient, has initiated several follow-up tests for blood pressure, heart rate, and reflexes; however, the data set was left incomplete after Lehman went into shock during his most recent check-up.

After his initial recovery, Lehman agreed to an interview about his support for the non-medically trained. “I am glad to see people so interested in these cost-effective medical techniques,” Lehman exclaimed. “I think that this shows how widely available medical care can be, which is why I’m advocating so much for my new Non-Profit MediCARE2.0 aiming to arm every citizen with a metal rod, dirty shirt, and handle of vodka by … What? Yes, it’s completely fine that my ear is bleeding right now … Yeah, the pus is normal too don’t worry… Yeah, I want to give everyone the vodka by 2020.” The interview was cut short soon after Lehman’s response, to allow him time to recover feeling in the left half of his body.

This make-shift medical care is projected to become more popular in the coming years, as the American Medical Association has announced new free training programs elaborating on Gaulle’s techniques. The programs aim to encourage innovation and spontaneity in medicine, and is also encouraging more people to take health and medical treatment into their own hands, instead of relying on others. At press time, Lehman had taken a brief break from a meeting planning one of the new AMA programs to slip into a coma.

Hannah Rosenblatt is an MQ alum. She was the 2017-18 Editor-in-Chief.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *