New American Diplomacy Policy Released as “Act First, Don’t Ask Questions Later, Hope No One Else Does Either”

Written by: Hannah Rosenblatt

After repeatedly pinning the missile on the U.S. itself, Trump updated his map to only include the Eastern Hemisphere.
Photo by: Jessica Ma

The White House has recently released a new statement outlining future approaches to foreign policy and international affairs which, according to Press Secretary Sarah Sanders, the Trump Administration has already been acting in coherence with and simply “didn’t feel like going through the trouble of writing all of it down.”

The statement, in the form of a one-page document consisting of two short paragraphs and a large picture of Trump giving a thumbs-up, comes after considerable pressure from other nations and trading partners to establish a consistent form of diplomacy.

The Trump administration’s policy is being hailed as “revolutionary,” “unlike anything I’ve ever heard of before,” and “definitely doing something, but I’m not sure what” by Fox News Host Sean Hannity, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, and Secretary-General of the U.N. Antonio Guterres, respectively.

The U.S.’s general approach to foreign relations and negotiations is outlined in the first paragraph of the document. Unlike other normal theories of diplomacy, which focus on pre-emptively considering possible outcomes of actions, the new plan aims to spend no more than two minutes considering a possible course of action, with an additional recommendation to not exceed 30 seconds of deliberation.

“Thinking too much just leads to bad policy,” explained co-author of the plan and Secretary of Defense James Mattis. “Look at every major policy decision in history. None of them seemed to have any flaws until people started to actually think about them. Take the Vietnam War for example. Everything would have been peachy if the intellectuals hadn’t started flapping their gums. It seems that the more you reflect on something, the more problems just pop up with it, so why even bother?”

The second paragraph of the statement is believed to contain details about new budget allocation and more concrete changes to the foreign affairs team. However, it is laced with other pop-culture stories and quotes, making it difficult to decipher. Reconstruction of the statements seem to indicate that “funds will be spent on … new chairs and office supplies … along with … more … snack fridges … for staffers.”

When asked to more concisely summarize changes, Foreign Affairs official John Klein explained, saying, “Well it’s really simple. We’re doing a lot to make sure that everything we do works out well, there’s really no need for people to worry or think about it, really. We’re doing so many things that’ll be good — did I mention we’re building one of those Parthenon things? Yeah, like a real giant stadium, it’s gonna have entertainment and activities 24/7. You’ll be able to stay occupied for days. Isn’t that great?”

After being asked what this means in terms of the U.S.’s increasingly tense relations with nations like China and North Korea, Klein responded, “Speaking of tense relations, a White House intern did this super weird thing in the Oval Office last week. Anybody wanna guess what it was?”

“The American public will be kept up to date on everything they need to know about,” Sanders said in response to facing heat about the brevity of the document. “We’re handling everything with great thought and oversight. I promise that we are viewing the safety and liberty of the American people as a top priority and take great care in what we do on all counts, which is why we are cutting all ties and trade deals with China, Mexico, Venezuela, and all of the Middle East starting Friday. By the way, did everyone hear about how Sean Spicer subtweeted Taylor Swift the other day?”

Hannah Rosenblatt is an MQ alum. She was the 2017-18 Editor-in-Chief.

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