Put Your Children’s Future in My Capable, Perfectly Manicured Hands and You Won’t Regret It

America, I am here to tell you that all of your youths are in safe hands. I cannot say yet exactly whose hands those will be — I will have a lot of very smart and good people with good hands who will be working with me, and they may be out of my technical hands per se. However, I look forward to reviewing all of the possible hands and choosing the most capable pair, don’t you worry.

As a sister of a mother of a son with a sixth cousin who had a friend who had an employee who knew a boy that attended a (heaven forbid) public school for almost a whole year, I thoroughly understand the struggles of all the working-class folks out there about the education of their children.

In fact, believe me when I say that I am deeply committed to doing a lot of positive things that you like, and absolutely no bad things. Bad things will not help your children, and I will 100 percent stop all of those bad things from happening, because I like children, specifically your children. I want to help your children.

If you think about it, college students are really just children who are a few years older than high school children. Because of this astounding fact and the fact that my affection for children is completely equal and unwavering, I will do all of the aforementioned positive things and none of the aforementioned bad things for college students as well.

Although I do not have what some people would call “actual experience” managing this “scholarship” bank or whatever it is that people keep talking about, I’m sure that with the right amount of luxury cars, mansions, and a large supply of designer handbags (to be sure I have space to carry all of those important folders people keep handing me), I will be perfectly able to handle whatever money is left in the bank owned by that Pell Grant guy.

I promise you I will do something positive with all of his money, after accounting for the trivial fees I will need to keep myself relaxed and well-groomed. I want to be sure I’m able to help the children, of course.

Wow, children are really great, aren’t they? It’s almost as if they are our future or something really important. They are very bright and capable just on their own! It seems that in order to do them justice, and acknowledge how smart they are, we really should just put their education in their own hands. I wouldn’t want to deprive them of any of the great responsibilities of running a nation-wide education system by getting in the way with all of my financial technicalities.

Don’t worry America, although I still have to take on the burden of maintaining all actual power and money directed towards education, I will leave it up to your capable children to make their own futures for themselves, and rely on nothing more than their own, very capable, hands.