Volume 23 Issue 4


Sean Spicer Disappears, Found Digging Under White House

Written by: Matt Olson

Panic struck the White House last week when it was discovered that Sean Spicer, the newly appointed Press Secretary of the Trump Administration, had gone missing. …


Football Fan Hates Every Team in the League, Watched Every Game

Written by: The MQ

Local NFL fan Ryan Pederson announced Sunday during the Superbowl that he loathes every single team in the league, especially his favorite team, the Denver Broncos. …


Area Man Asked to Watch Area Woman’s Stuff, Leaves

Written by: Sage Cristal

Intensely clutching a backpack to her chest, area student Angie Coronado seemed to be in a state of distress while telling reporters that last Friday that …


Biblical Scholars Find Flood Was Intended to Reward Fish

Written by: Brandon Mougel

Revelations were made earlier this week when scholars found a new reference point for the Old Testament. This awakening was recently discovered by religious scholars when …


Iranians Trapped by Travel Ban Plan to “‘Argo’ This Shit”

Written by: Chris Jin

President Trump’s January 27 executive order, which barred entry into the US for citizens of seven predominantly Muslim nations, including Iran, has already caused a wide …


Filipino Senate Calls for Peaceful Removal of President Duterte’s Head

Written by: Barak Tzori

The Filipino Senate passed a joint resolution last Friday calling for the peaceful removal of the President Duterte’s head from office and corpus. The unilateral decision …


Apple Brings Back Outsourced Jobs from Overseas, Releases Dumb Watch

Written by: Jessica Ma

Next Monday, millions across the nation will wait in line to buy the newest and most streamlined addition to Apple’s ever-growing product line — the Apple …


Put Your Children’s Future in My Capable, Perfectly Manicured Hands and You Won’t Regret It

Written by: Hannah Rosenblatt

America, I am here to tell you that all of your youths are in safe hands. I cannot say yet exactly whose hands those will be …


New Study Shows People are Your Friends If You Just Say They are Behind Their Backs

Written by: The MQ

Openly acknowledging and addressing your friends as “friends” may strengthen your relationship, according to an American Psychological Association report released last Tuesday. In a surprising twist, …


Indian Children’s Playground Latest Battleground as Kashmiri Forces Attempt to Draw Line In The Sand

Written by: Barak Tzori

Indian Security forces were caught off guard last week when rebels from Kashmir attacked them on a playground in the town of Kathua. The rebels were …