Matt Olson
FDA Hits Monkey Poisoning Quota in Record Time
The FDA published a report online last week announcing that they have hit their monkey poisoning quota nearly three months ahead of schedule. The report, titled …
EDITORIAL: Saudi Arabia Bans Online Satire, Finally a Step in the Right Direction
Saudi Arabia announced they were finally banning online satire last month and I for one could not be more proud. People have said that the biggest …
Point/Counter Point
Point: I’m Not Sure Death Matches Are the Best Way to Decide CSE Major Availability Okay, so I understand that the CSE department is packed and that …
UCSD Restructures Parking System, Now Offering “Go Fuck Yourself” Permits
UC San Diego Transportation Services recently announced a change to the permit system in an effort to address some of the problems with the current structure. …
Escaped Grad Student Found Grading Homework in APM Basement
The UCSD Police Department recently announced that they have lifted their campus lockdown status, following a 48-hour manhunt to try and track down Antonio Costa, the …
New Tesla Model Will Turn Itself Around If You Don’t Cut that Shit Out
Late last month, standing in front of a crowd of reporters and tech elites, Elon Musk proudly announced the newest model in Tesla’s line of self-driving …
Clerical Error Results in Dog Being Neutralized
Scientists everywhere were shocked late last week when veterinarians at a PetSmart in Bakersfield were able to successfully neutralize a dog. The first operation of its …
Sean Spicer Disappears, Found Digging Under White House
Panic struck the White House last week when it was discovered that Sean Spicer, the newly appointed Press Secretary of the Trump Administration, had gone missing. …
Point-Counter Point: Momma Horny
Point: Is It Just Me, or Did Nathan’s Friend Turn into a Handsome Young Man? Hey Martha, do you remember that kid who used to play …
Scientists Confirm Ocean is Really Scary at Night
After years of research and technological advancements, scientists are finally ready to confirm the findings of a decade-long study. In a press conference, lead researcher Karl …
