Scientists Confirm Ocean is Really Scary at Night

After years of research and technological advancements, scientists are finally ready to confirm the findings of a decade-long study. In a press conference, lead researcher Karl Oswald announced that his team had just finished compiling and parsing mountains of data, and that all scientists agreed that the ocean is “really scary at night.”

“A study like this is unheard of,” continued Oswald. “We’ve enlisted essentially the entire scientific community, from people trying to find the cure for diseases to kids burning ants with a magnifying glass ‘just to see what would happen.’ And our results are nearly unanimous and unquestionably conclusive: the ocean at night is scary. Like just really scary. Have you seen it? It’s super dark and ominous, and sometimes it glows blue. It’s probably like plankton or something, but we’ll never know for sure. Plus it’s cold, and I’m pretty sure some kid peed in it last year, which is gross. And I have the entire scientific community to back me up on that.”

After Oswald’s announcement, plans have been made on both coasts to move their cities inland in order to get as far away from the oceans as possible. In an attempt to quell public outcry and panic, the U.S. government has deployed the Coast Guard to form a perimeter on both coasts for the entire coastline, and has encouraged them to stay watchful and alert through all hours of the day.

The Coast Guard has refrained from keeping the perimeter at night for fear it is too dangerous for the servicemen and servicewomen. Many members of the Coast Guard have also taken to shouting insults at the ocean, in an effort to demoralize it. This has reportedly been helpful for general morale among the coastal population, but is unlikely to actually intimidate the water.

California has been particularly active in attempting to combat this threat, and is making steps towards moving coastal cities as far inland as possible, preferably into other states. In a statement issued by the newly-appointed California-Arizona Migration Chairman, John Grayson, he outlined his plans for moving the coastal cities towards Arizona.

“Well, if I’m honest, we’re not sure,” he said, hunching down under his desk to pull on galoshes. “Ideally, we just get a bunch of big helicopters and hook them onto buildings and just fly them all one at a time over to some empty space in the desert. But if that doesn’t work, we might have to just abandon our homes and frantically run inland and pray the citizens of Arizona have room for us. I’m pretty sure they all know how to make adobe huts, so I think, in theory, we can all just live in mud huts dug into a cliff face as a last resort.

“Whatever we do, we have to move quickly. At 8 p.m. last night, the tide was … eight inches above sea level,” said Grayson, pulling out a large map of the state. “At 8 a.m. this morning, the tide was six feet above sea level. If this trend continues, Los Angeles will be completely underwater in three days. We need to act now. The ocean is coming for us. She hungers.”