Volume 23 Issue 3
Christmas Miracle to Come in Form of Three-Day Auto Sale
Last Thursday morning, hundreds of auto dealership managers were visited by angels announcing the Lord’s plan that a 2016 Christmas Miracle will occur in the form …
Amish Community Saddened and Very Confused by Cyberbullying Epidemic
Surprising new advocates in the fight against cyberbullying have emerged in recent weeks: the Amish. Candle shops and haberdasheries alike have been abuzz with the news …
Football Fan Thinks 200-Pound Human Miracle of Athleticism “Just Standing There”
Markus Dohle was already moving on to his second beer in the first quarter when he remarked that the 237-pound, six foot three “godsend of athleticism” …
Local Student Gets Organized, Almost Fools Self into Thinking She Has Life Together
Emily Adlet Roe, second-year UCSD student, reported Monday that she had organized her “whole life” for the first time. When pressed, Roe admitted that when she …
U.S. Prison Guards Negligent, Panopticon-Opticon Built to Watch Guards
In a recent study of United States prisons, 83 percent of prison guards were found to be not watching prisoners for a majority of their shifts. …
Local Asbestos in Ceiling Feeling Lonely, Wants to Come Out
Students in Revelle’s Argo Hall have reported hearing loud sobbing in the middle of the night for the past couple of weeks. A thorough investigation concluded …
Point-Counter Point: Momma Horny
Point: Is It Just Me, or Did Nathan’s Friend Turn into a Handsome Young Man? Hey Martha, do you remember that kid who used to play …
Scientists Conclude that They Just Can’t
This past week, after decades of foundational work filled with hard labor, dedication, and a steady funding source, scientists at the University of Painbridge have concluded …
400 Million Dollars Sent to Haiti to Aid Cholera Outbreak; Fiji Water Plant Built
In an act of incredible generosity, the United Nations (U.N.) has sent 400 million dollars to aid in the cholera outbreak in Haiti, which coincidentally began …
Local Students Refuse to Forgive TA for Small Mistake
On Wednesday night, an anonymous TA reportedly added a negative sign where there should not have been one in homework problem 37 of Math 20D. Witnesses …
