Volume 23 Issue 3


Christmas Miracle to Come in Form of Three-Day Auto Sale

Written by: The MQ

Last Thursday morning, hundreds of auto dealership managers were visited by angels announcing the Lord’s plan that a 2016 Christmas Miracle will occur in the form …


Amish Community Saddened and Very Confused by Cyberbullying Epidemic

Written by: Brandon Mougel

Surprising new advocates in the fight against cyberbullying have emerged in recent weeks: the Amish. Candle shops and haberdasheries alike have been abuzz with the news …


Football Fan Thinks 200-Pound Human Miracle of Athleticism “Just Standing There”

Written by: Barak Tzori

Markus Dohle was already moving on to his second beer in the first quarter when he remarked that the 237-pound, six foot three “godsend of athleticism” …


Local Student Gets Organized, Almost Fools Self into Thinking She Has Life Together

Written by: The MQ

Emily Adlet Roe, second-year UCSD student, reported Monday that she had organized her “whole life” for the first time. When pressed, Roe admitted that when she …


U.S. Prison Guards Negligent, Panopticon-Opticon Built to Watch Guards

Written by: Cole Greenbaun

In a recent study of United States prisons, 83 percent of prison guards were found to be not watching prisoners for a majority of their shifts. …


Local Asbestos in Ceiling Feeling Lonely, Wants to Come Out

Written by: Jessica Ma

Students in Revelle’s Argo Hall have reported hearing loud sobbing in the middle of the night for the past couple of weeks. A thorough investigation concluded …

ArticlesOpinionPoint - Counter Point

Point-Counter Point: Momma Horny

Written by: Matt Olson

Point: Is It Just Me, or Did Nathan’s Friend Turn into a Handsome Young Man? Hey Martha, do you remember that kid who used to play …


Scientists Conclude that They Just Can’t

Written by: Hannah Rosenblatt

This past week, after decades of foundational work filled with hard labor, dedication, and a steady funding source, scientists at the University of Painbridge have concluded …


400 Million Dollars Sent to Haiti to Aid Cholera Outbreak; Fiji Water Plant Built

Written by: Brandon Mougel

In an act of incredible generosity, the United Nations (U.N.) has sent 400 million dollars to aid in the cholera outbreak in Haiti, which coincidentally began …


Local Students Refuse to Forgive TA for Small Mistake

Written by: The MQ

On Wednesday night, an anonymous TA reportedly added a negative sign where there should not have been one in homework problem 37 of Math 20D. Witnesses …