400 Million Dollars Sent to Haiti to Aid Cholera Outbreak; Fiji Water Plant Built

Written by: Brandon Mougel

“No, please stop!” said Haitian patient Tamara Dabrezil. “My health insurance only covers
Photo by: Hannah Rosenblatt

In an act of incredible generosity, the United Nations (U.N.) has sent 400 million dollars to aid in the cholera outbreak in Haiti, which coincidentally began at the same time as a U.N. Peacekeeping camp was built to station troops after the 2010 earthquake. Instead of directly paying Haitians afflicted with the disease, however, the U.N. has decided that the most reasonable course of action is to offer the relief as a grant to the Fiji corporation to build a bottling plant on the island nation.

“If those people didn’t think Fiji Water tasted different than regular water, they certainly will now,” proclaimed Derek Rivers, head of distribution at Fiji Corp. The country’s remaining potable water will be redirected to the plant, where it will be bottled and then redirected to
Haitian supermarkets.

“What we’re offering is a chance for the Haitian people to see the gold glistening at the bottom of these contaminated waters. And nothing says ‘gold rush’ quite like cholera … there’s gold in this here deadly epidemical bacterial infection!” exclaimed Rivers, imitating a 19th century prospector.

This project faces many criticisms; the fact that Haiti and Fiji are different islands is particular at the forefront of complaints.

“As long as the water is warm and the people are brown, no one’s gonna know they’re different,” assured Manny Ager, the foreman of the plant. “It doesn’t matter if it’s Haiti or Tahiti or Miami, Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama, people are gonna pay a good price for beachfront water.”

The supplemental funds extend to developments in the capital city, Port-au-Prince. According to a report from Georges Foreman, the operations manager of the city’s water authority, the city’s entire sewer system will need to be flushed out to eradicate the cholera spreading through the system. In the meantime, Foreman assures that the nation’s sanitation needs will be met by a series of “specially-designed, cutting-edge temporary restroom facilities,” officially referred to as Port-au-Potties.

There has been word of backlash from the Haitian community, but Rivers is quick to dispel these rumors.

“I’ve spoken with our native workers,” said Rivers, “and they’ve embraced this new opportunity for productivity. In fact, I received a correspondence from one of our employees just this morning”. Rivers submitted the following transcript of the letter:

“To Mr. Rivers and the Fiji Corporation:

In no way does this bottling plant solve the cholera crisis. We don’t believe you have a solution. How can you believe this to be sufficient? I cannot even afford the 3. 62 dollar bottle of water when I earn an hourly wage of 3.50 dollars! The project is wasteful of funding, money that could really be helping us. My child has fallen ill, and my wife is too weak to care for him. This is a gross addition, an action too late, a burden to an impoverished enviro[ve]nment.”

“If there’s still a trickle of hesitation, allow me to put it at ease,” concluded Rivers. “There’s this old Haitian proverb that I’ve heard whispered among the workers, and it’s very mysterious, but I think there’s some meaning to it. They say, ‘Teach a man to fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to filter water, I just wasted 400 million dollars.’”

Written by: Brandon Moguel and Paola Diaz, staff writers

Staff Writer at MQ

Brandon Mougel is an MQ Alumni

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *