Photo by: Nicholas Martin
Markus Dohle was already moving on to his second beer in the first quarter when he remarked that the 237-pound, six foot three “godsend of athleticism” Von Miller was “just standing out there on the field like a fucking moron.”
Dohle’s comment was brought on when the Denver Broncos’ defensive linebacker Von Miller threw himself at the man who was carrying the ball in the opposite direction. He missed. This caused the team in the gold uniform to move forward, which upset Dohle, who was wearing a jersey of a different color.
“At least do something, Von!” Dohle screamed, continuing to unleash his anger at the television screen. “He’s not doing anything! He’s just going through the motions. It would literally be better if he weren’t even on the field. Eat more of McNabb’s mom’s soup, Von!”
On the following play, four-time Pro-Bowler Miller picked up on the opposing quarterback’s pre-snap adjustments – bringing the slot receiver into a protected shotgun formation. According to experts, Miller, noticing that an extra right guard was substituted to replace the tight end, figured the Saints were going to run, despite their seeming commitment to the pass. Shooting the A-Gap, he broke out of the 4-3, overwhelmed the nose tackle with a bull rush, and took down the ball carrier for a three-yard loss.
Dohle was still shaking his can of Coor’s Banquet at his friend Milena Alberti when all of this happened.
“We paid good money for Von, and he’s screwin’ us. Every year I have to suffer for 16 weeks, watching these losers twirl around on the hallowed ground Elway built like Tweedledumbasses.”
“You don’t have to do any of that Marky, you could visit…” Alberti tried to interject as Dohle yelled, “Shut up about Mom, Milli, I’m trying to watch the game.”
Dohle crunched his empty can with one hand and continued to gesture obscenely at the television with the other.
At the stadium, an unexpectedly self-aware commentator gave his thoughts on the matter.
“These second-rate citizens in blue who play modern gladiators, trying to concuss men of similar stature for sport, being diminished to single numbers of profit by the owners, are just not doing as well as their counterparts in gold.”
While Miller was not doing great in this game according to Dohle, the Wednesday before the game Miller had appeared in an internal NFL meeting as the Broncos’ player representative to argue for fairer treatment of black players in suspension cases. The following day, Miller oversaw a charity event in Colorado, which provided over 3000 children with free vision tests. However, to Dohle, neither fact made up for his missed tackle on Sunday against the Saints.
“We can all go home,” sighed Dohle at halftime. Disappointed at both the score and the sight of an empty six-pack, he slumped in the Dohle-shaped crater in his Dohle-smelling armchair.
“There’s no reason to go on. And the weird thing is, by now I’m used to the weekly disappointment,” Dohle whined as the six-and-two Broncos jogged off the field.
According to reports, at halftime in the visiting locker room of New Orleans’ Mercedez-Benz Superdome, Von Miller shed a single tear over a picture of a middle-aged man with beer spilled down his old Broncos’ jersey.
“I’ll do right by you next half, Dohle,” Miller wept. “I know I can do better. Just give me another chance.”
Barak Tzori is an MQ Alum and was Editor-in-Chief for the 2016-17 school year.
