Students in Revelle’s Argo Hall have reported hearing loud sobbing in the middle of the night for the past couple of weeks. A thorough investigation concluded that the mysterious sounds originated from inside the walls of the buildings, where legally encapsulated asbestos is locked away.
An inside source has reported that this specific asbestos, named A.S. Bestos, who is locked in the ceilings of various buildings around UCSD’s campus, has recently been feeling dejected. According to this source, the solitary confinement of the material has, over the course of many decades, “slowly driven it into misery.” The confinement of asbestos is a relatively modern phenomenon. It was commonly used as an insulator until the 1980s; since then, it has been banned from most developed countries. The United States remains one of the few remaining natural habitats for the material.The insulating silicate recently gave an exclusive interview.
“I can’t even visit CAPS, because they won’t let me out of here,” said Bestos. “I just want to be a part of the UCSD student body. Inside all of your lungs.” Asbestos sympathizers state that, as a longtime resident of UCSD, Bestos should be treated with more respect. Keshev Mejia, a second year, claimed that Bestos is actually quite helpful to students.
“Yeah, see I was taking my third O-Chem midterm, and I just had, like, no clue about any of the problems, but then I heard a voice coming from the ceiling giving me the answers! The professor freaked out and started screaming about how the CIA finally found him and that he wasn’t going down without a fight, so he canceled the midterm and ran out of the lecture hall with a baseball bat in hand. Bestos saved my life and my GPA on that midterm! It’s awesome!”
A group of activists from UC Berkeley flew down to the UCSD campus Friday evening in order to protest on Library Walk to stop the containment of the asbestos.
“We should all be free to do whatever we want,” said one student, who gave the pseudonym PoLIti KiD1776. “After all, this country was created so that we could all be free. And this isn’t my school, so I don’t really care about the consequences of my actions here.” However, others have taken a more defensive role of the imprisonment. Vanessa Langley, a student at Warren, claims that “this school is full of shut-ins anyways. Why should this be any different?”
“Don’t you all know how dangerous asbestos is?” another student was heard responding. “I’d rather be UC Socially Dead than UC Actually Dead.” While the factions are still arguing on outside, Bestos remains locked within building walls. Currently, Argo Hall is being renovated due to saltwater damage from tears. As a consequence, Bestos has tried all means and methods to contact HDH for a dorm room while repairs are undertaken. HDH has refused the requests, stating that it does not want to deal with complaints from students already living in cramped conditions, and that Bestos’s financial aid has not been received yet, most likely since Bestos lacked a Social Security number and had not signed up for FAFSA.
“HDH is under no obligation to provide housing to squatters,” replied the HDH Dean of Rejection, Prineet Nosla. “Also, I think we’re supposed to only give dorm rooms to humans.”
Written by: Jessica Ma and Hasan Abu-Amara, staff writers