December 6, 2023 Time traveling since 2088. Volume XXX Issue III


Christmas Miracle to Come in Form of Three-Day Auto Sale

Written by: The MQ

“For God so loved the world that God gave them a sweet, one-time only deal on a Kia Sorrento.” -John 3:16
Photo by: Katherine Wood

Last Thursday morning, hundreds of auto dealership managers were visited by angels announcing the Lord’s plan that a 2016 Christmas Miracle will occur in the form of a three-day auto sale.

Jordan Brown, manager at Mountville Toyota, reported that she was awoken by several dozen angels appearing in her bedroom with blaring trumpets, which startled her, as it was three in the morning and her partner was away on a business trip.

“You’d think the angels could have planned a better time for their visitation, since they literally have all of eternity open,” commented Brown. “However, my cardiologist says the palpitations weren’t super concerning, and it was a pretty sweet deal, so I guess it’s okay,” Brown said, patting her new Kia Rio.

The Lord’s will was also conveyed to the agriculture and livestock communities that same night by angels appearing above farmer’ fields and shouting to be heard inside. Local farmers say that, while they understand the “traditional emphasis on communicating to shepherds,” as farmers they are “the ones with the purchasing power,” they feel it would have been more convenient had the angels appeared directly in their bedrooms, as was done with dealership managers.

“Plus, they scared the shit out of my sheep with all that celestial yelling,” said farmer Tad Williams. “More than 200 of them stampeded away, and about 400 of the remaining ones have been chewing their wool off ever since, which kind of negates their usefulness. If I lose my profit this year, I’ll have to sell the farm … but if that’s the Lord’s plan for us, then so be it.”

Since the sale commenced, dealers report that the ensuing commercial frenzy has been chaotic but not as large as projected, since many people do not have the resources to purchase even a significantly discounted vehicle, given the state of the economy. Those that do buy cars are reportedly doing it as quickly as possible, so that “those deafening angels stop following me while I walk my child home from school every day.”

The sale has prompted criticism from some, who look to the Lord’s range of options for miracles. “An auto sale?” questioned local resident Esther Johnson. “If not an end to world hunger, maybe replacing Putin with someone a little more stable would have been nice. Or bringing my cat back to life.”

Area resident Kristal Hill, on the other hand, expressed mixed opinions. “For I was hungry, and you gave me food,” said Hill. “I was thirsty, and you gave me 10 percent off the new Toyota Tacoma at participating dealerships, which wasn’t what I needed at all and could never replace the life-saving essentiality that is water. Although it does have cup holders, so that’s something.”

God expressed some surprise at the sale’s mixed reception, saying they expected it to go over better.

“I was expecting something more along the lines of ‘For I was hungry, and you gave me food: I was thirsty, and you gave me 10 percent off the new Toyota Tacoma at participating dealerships, which really rocked my Christmas season and made me forget how thirsty I was,” said God.

“But rest assured, I promise I’ll make the rest of this three-day auto sale even more awesome than the three days Jonah spent partying in that whale,” said God. “And put it this way — Jonah would have had a lot more fun inside that whale if he’d had the 2017 Range Rover.”

Written by: Katherine Wood, graphics editor

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