New Tesla Model Will Turn Itself Around If You Don’t Cut that Shit Out

Written by: Matt Olson

One test driver was chewed out by the Tesla for asking to use the bathroom, despite having only left the dealership minutes prior.
Photo by: Lawrence Lee

Late last month, standing in front of a crowd of reporters and tech elites, Elon Musk proudly announced the newest model in Tesla’s line of self-driving cars, the Model F. This new model, starting at 90,000 dollars, is reported to be the most technologically advanced car the world has ever seen. According to Musk, the Model F comes standard with fully reclinable seats, dashboard mounted 4K television screens, and a self-driving module that will turn itself around if you don’t cut that shit out.

“We believe this new model will be perfect for anyone looking to sit back and relax during their commute,” explained Musk. “Whether it’s a cross country road trip or simply a morning drive to work, drivers can lay back, relax, and relive that feeling of sitting in the backseat and playing with toys while their father white-knuckles the steering wheel and smokes an entire carton of cigarettes.

“The Model F has the strongest and most advanced AIs ever created and it controls everything in the car. The AI, which internally we’ve been calling FATHER, is responsible for nearly everything inside and outside the car. For example, FATHER is obviously responsible for the actual driving of the car, but it will also control things like the radio station and whether or not you’re allowed to roll down your windows.”

Musk later clarified that the radio station will oscillate randomly between play-by-plays of football games from 1979, political talk shows, and an audiobook of ‘The Pillars of the Earth’ by Ken Follett; and of course you can’t roll down your windows, they were just washed.

Tech bloggers have expressed concern over the Model F’s design, stating that they’re not sure that the car’s design really matches the aesthetic of the rest of Tesla’s fleet, as well as concerns that FATHER marked a departure from Tesla’s previous, non-invasive AIs. These concerns were addressed over the weekend by Musk on twitter, who tweeted, “wood paneling is awesome,” and reassured customers that while FATHER “might not be the friendliest interface, it still does it’s job and keeps everyone safe.” As a follow-up, Musk later tweeted: “Sure, FATHER honks at minorities and anyone drifting slightly into your lane. But again, these are purely safety measures.”

Tesla plans on rolling out nearly 2,000 Model Fs before 2018, after which Musk says the company is working on a new model car that can accurately simulate the sound of users being tucked in bed at 8 p.m. and then listening through thin walls to your mom accuse your dad of having an affair with his secretary.

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