FDA Hits Monkey Poisoning Quota in Record Time


Written by: Matt Olson

“This is more fun than a barrel of monkeys,” the FDA agent said. “But not as fun as a barrel of dead monkeys.”
Photo by: Sage Cristal

The FDA published a report online last week announcing that they have hit their monkey poisoning quota nearly three months ahead of schedule. The report, titled “Woah Shit, We Did Good This Year,” is only 15 pages long — a stark contrast to the typical 300 page length — and details some of the circumstances that led to this notable increase in speed, as well as a list of notable accomplishments over the past year that can be directly attributed to it. According to the report, the two most important advancements were a budget increase and the news that the general public doesn’t care if the government poisons monkeys to death.

These circumstances have been a valuable aid to the FDA’s production cycle, according to John Rogers, an FDA spokesperson. He also said that the public will likely see the results of these advancements in the near future.

“Generally speaking, it takes us about four months to get all the paperwork out of the way so we can start testing a product on monkeys,” Rogers said. “There’s a surprising amount of bureaucratic red-tape we have to go through for the higher-ups to let us start our experiments. In an ideal world, we could test one or two monkeys a week. For some reason, people seem hesitant to let us work at our own pace and start shoving shit into monkeys. Oh well, that’s government for you.

“Now though, thanks to the new regulations and how little everyone apparently cares about the stuff that’s happening in our facilities, we’ve hit our poisoning quota nearly three months ahead of schedule.”

Rogers went on to list the various products that were tested on the recently deceased monkeys — some of which didn’t kill the monkeys, but only brought them to the brink of death.

“Some of the experiments had quite positive results! The super-deodorant testing was a success. They smelled great after some forced exercise and the smell even covered up the chemical burns. The makeup tests were successful too. It didn’t even burn the monkeys and you could barely notice the dead, soulless looks in their eyes because of how pretty their eyeshadow was,” Rogers said.

“We did have slight problems with some of the energy drink tests. One monkey shit his insides out of his body and turned himself inside-out. Another started scratching a symbol into his cell wall over and over again. We later discovered this symbol had striking similarity to an ancient nordic rune that meant either ‘hate fueled revenge far into the afterlife’ or ‘fishmonger.’ Either way, it provided some excellent research.”

According to Rogers, next year’s progress report will only be a single page containing a clipart image of two scientists holding down a chimpanzee, forcing its jaws open, while a third scientist pours a canister of gasoline directly into its screaming mouth.

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