Jim Johnson
Good Luck Trying to Find Me, I’m Behind Seven Firewalls
Saudi Arabia announced they were finally banning online satire last month and I for one could not be more proud. People have said that the biggest threat to the government for years was satire and for years Saudi Arabia’s been behind on the time, until last month when the biggest threat to Saudi Arabia was women. But now they have finally nailed down the real problem in their country: online satire.
Declaring online satire a “cybercrime” punishable by up to five years in prison and an $800,000 fine, Saudi Arabia finally steps into the modern era by acknowledging the single largest threat to human rights in their country. This is among the harshest penalties they’ve ever imposed with only a few criminal activities ranking higher. Political dissent and peaceful protest both carry life sentences and rape is generally encouraged, but otherwise this is one of the strongest condemnations against human rights that the country has enforced for many years. Unless you’re a woman, of course, in which case your punishment for any crime is universally rape and then some other shit too.
Honestly, I understand where they’re coming from. Satire can be problematic, especially for a government that doesn’t enjoy laughter or treating their people like people. But who am I to judge? Look, who among us hasn’t wanted to commit minor genocide for the sake of keeping a hold of their power? Like the Saudi Arabian anthem says, “A human rights violation a day keeps the masses at bay.”
I tried to get in touch with Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, as he was the one spearheading this march of forward progress, but unfortunately a woman was caught stealing bread last week, so he was busy watching her get her hands cut off before she was tied to a stake and burned alive. Luckily, I was able to get in touch with Saudi Arabia’s minister of communications, Abdullah bin Amer Alswaha, who told me to fuck off and called me an American whore. Thanks to their new laws, I know that he meant it genuinely, which was hurtful but honest.
