Matt Olson
Area Senior Pretty Sure Next Quarter Will Be Better For 11th Time in a Row
Area senior Steve Reynolds announced this week that, despite this quarter “taking him by surprise” with the amount of work 12 units of classes required, he …
My Sincere Apology to the American People
Okay, so I know my most recent apology wasn’t that great, and I accept that. I am a big man, the biggest man, and I know …
Area Man Realizes after Four Hours That He’s Not in the Turn Lane
Tim Douglas, 47, ruined his family dinner last Sunday after he accidentally pulled in behind a parked car instead of getting into the right turn lane …
New Study Finds Cure for Depression: Pile of Kittens Crushed Into Fine Powder
Earlier this year, a federal advisory committee approved a bold new treatment plan by drug company Cheshire Rx. that may permanently cure depression. The advisory committee …
Student Body Finds D’lush Offensive and Vile, A.S. Burns Price Center to Ground
After hearing several complaints from the student body about the negative effects of D’lush’s mediocre lunch specials on campus and after a heated debate, several A.S. …
Greece Leaves E.U. to Return to Original Currency: Goats
In order to escape economic hardship, Greece has decided to move away from conventional currencies by implementing a new monetary exchange system last Thursday. Greek officials …
