Student Body Finds D’lush Offensive and Vile, A.S. Burns Price Center to Ground


Written by: Matt Olson

Reports on the P.C. fire claimed there wouldn’t have been as many casualties if D’lush hadn’t taken over the emergency announcement system to call out orders.
Photo by: Lawrence Lee

After hearing several complaints from the student body about the negative effects of D’lush’s mediocre lunch specials on campus and after a heated debate, several A.S. Council representatives burned Price Center to the ground late last week.

This event is the latest in a long line of A.S. attempts to make the campus more palatable. Last year, A.S. hosted the All-Campus Book Bonfire Bonanza, which was thrown after someone found a pornographic drawing carved into a desk in Geisel. A.S. determined the appropriate reaction was to torch the inside of Geisel, completely eradicating the feminism/gender studies section. This was followed by the “Super Fun Happy Burn-Those-Who-Disagree Barbeque,” which, according to an A.S. Representative, was started because “it was cold outside.” No further information was given.

“The Council is confident that this was the right decision,” commented A.S. Representative Julie Kapoor. “We weren’t able to ask the other restaurants their opinions on the matter before we lit Price Center on fire, but we did attempt to ask them the morning after. They were not very responsive to our questions about engulfing their restaurants in an inferno because they were too busy trying to prevent their restaurants from being engulfed by an inferno, but we’re pretty sure they agree with us.”

Some students were less than thrilled at the decision, saying that they really enjoyed a few of the restaurants in Price Center, and others were upset that they left their backpacks in the smouldering crater that was formerly the lockers. However, the most prominent complaint was that despite A.S.’s lack of support towards D’lush, their actions “ultimately had no effect on the restaurant’s repugnant influence on campus.”

“There are still people out on Library Walk handing out free samples,” said freshman Lonnie Thorton. “It wasn’t too hard to ignore D’lush when they were all confined to one space, but when they’re out and about, yelling at us to try their food because it’s ‘better than the other food on campus’ even though we all know it’s clearly worse, it’s hard to avoid them. You can smell their food all over campus now. I honestly don’t know where they’re even getting the samples from. I heard they have a restaurant at SDSU.”

Earlier this week, A.S. President Dominick Suvonnasupa held a press conference on the A.S. Council’s actions.

“Thank you all for being here, I guess. The reason I called this press conference was to clear up any uncertainty about our decision, to illustrate the need for complete transparency so the student body fully understands why we did what we did, and to show you all how we feel about the restaurants of Price Center,” said Suvonnasupa. He then reportedly pulled a small-scale model of the former not-arsoned Price Center from under his podium, lit the model on fire, and roasted marshmallows.

When questioned by a student on whether or not he thought burning down Price Center was an appropriate response to the student concern about the vileness of D’lush’s food, Suvannasupa patted the student on the head and said, “Don’t worry about it, that’s for the adults to worry about. Besides, D’lush is gone, that’s what you all wanted, right? Now that we don’t have to spend any money sustaining the restaurants in Price Center we think we can better utilize that money elsewhere, like a second Hullabaloo. We can call it HullabaTwo, you guys will love it. We swear.”

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