Volume 22 Issue 4
Congress Shortens Women’s History Month to 78 Percent of Previous Length
Late last month, Congress passed a bill intended to shorten March, Women’s History Month, to 78 percent of its typical length in order to better reflect …
Student Body Finds D’lush Offensive and Vile, A.S. Burns Price Center to Ground
After hearing several complaints from the student body about the negative effects of D’lush’s mediocre lunch specials on campus and after a heated debate, several A.S. …
Hillary Clinton Appears on “Sesame Street” to Appeal to the Youth
To combat the political pressure from the growing support of the Bernie Sanders campaign, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton made a recent guest appearance on the children’s …
Linguists Discover “i” in Team
A group of local linguists discovered Tuesday that, contrary to a popular aphorism, there is in fact an ‘i’ in “team.” Although a representative from the …
Kevin Faulconer Confesses Love to San Diego Chargers Right Before they Board Plane to LA
San Diego Mayor Kevin Faulconer was spotted running through San Diego International Airport in an attempt to confess his love to the Chargers before they boarded …
America’s Soup: A Great White Cream of Diversity
Think of the United States not as a great melting pot of steels and irons, but as a large cauldron cooking up a mighty fine Texas …
White Militia Man, Not Terrorist, Wanted After Non-Terrorist Attack
Following an incident on Jan. 18 in which he fired an assault rifle at an Oklahoma Court House for “five uninterrupted minutes,” white militia member Stephen …
Ten Dead in Fire at Exit Sign Factory, Unable to Find Real Exit
Official investigation has intensified regarding ExitCo, the world’s leading manufacturer of exit signs, in the aftermath of a recent fire at a major ExitCo production center …
iPod Maker Apple Announces Plans to Develop Mobile Phone
Apple Inc., a Cupertino-based tech startup best known for releasing a portable music player in the previous decade, just announced a projected release date for their …
Study Confirms Raccoons Not Microwave Safe
Recent research by undergraduate students has confirmed a curious radiobiological phenomenon. “It has long been theorized that microwaving raccoons is a bad idea, but our research …
