November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


Kevin Faulconer Confesses Love to San Diego Chargers Right Before they Board Plane to LA

Written by: The MQ

“You’re the most important person in the world to me,” Faulconer said, before reaching for the next Chargers player and saying, “You’re the most important person in the world to me.”
Photo by: Katherine Wood

San Diego Mayor Kevin Faulconer was spotted running through San Diego International Airport in an attempt to confess his love to the Chargers before they boarded their plane to Los Angeles on Sunday, sources report.

Tensions between the mayor and the Chargers had become strained when, in early January, the team was offered a new job in Los Angeles. Sources reported that Faulconer was supportive of the Chargers’ move, and didn’t want to get in the way of the NFL team’s career goals.

“I understand,” said Faulconer in a press report. “Hey, that doesn’t mean we can’t have fun together while you’re still here, right? Let’s just live in the moment. Let’s just live in the now, and see where we are in a month.” The Chargers replied with openness to the idea, but began packing their possessions into boxes the next day.

Relations took an additional strain when Faulconer discovered the Chargers would be sharing a living space with the Saint Louis Rams, which conflicted with the Chargers’ earlier story. According to Faulconer, the understanding was that the Chargers would “shack up” at their cousin’s, the Oakland Raiders’, place in Carson until they could find a stadium to live in on their own.

“It’s not like I’m jealous or anything, I know you two have a history together, and that’s fine with me,” Faulconer sent in an email to the team. “I just wish you would’ve told me.”

On Sunday night, Faulconer was seen standing outside the Chargers’ home, Qualcomm Stadium, holding a boombox loaded with a cassette of Barry White’s “Standing in the Shadows of Love” over his head, only to realize the team was not home. Faulconer then reportedly went inside, where he found an old box of photos belonging to the Chargers. Upon looking at a picture of himself and the Chargers having a picnic at Balboa Park, Faulconer called a special motorcade to reach San Diego International Airport before the Chargers boarded their plane. A picture of defensive lineman Ricardo Matthews mid-undress fell out of Faulconer’s back pocket as he entered his limousine.

Sources report that, when seeing the line for airport security, Faulconer pleaded with the crowd to let him pass.

“There’s a very special football team that’s about to get on a plane, and I need to stop them,” said Faulconer. “This is the kind of NFL team that only comes around once in a lifetime, and it’s taken me until today to realize that.”

The TSA officers, initially reluctant to allow Faulconer through without a ticket, were visibly swayed after Faulconer’s speech. One officer, with a tear rolling down his cheek, instructed Faulconer to, “hold [the Chargers], and never let them go.”

“It was amazing,” said Laura Chu, who was in line with her family when Faulconer arrived. “It’s clear he really loves that team, and gives them priority over every other issue facing San Diego. Who am I to stand between a mayor and a multi-million dollar sports team?”

“Please take me back,” said Faulconer at the boarding gate. “It’ll be different this time. I swear.” According to sources, Faulconer then fell to his knee and pulled out 51 small velvet boxes, which he opened one at a time, revealing 51 identical diamond rings.

“The San Diego Chargers, would you do me the honor of being the only NFL team for me for the rest of our lives?”

According to sources, the Chargers appeared briefly apprehensive, then accepted. As the Chargers dogpiled on top of San Diego’s mayor, a cheer was heard from the crowd.

Written by: Cole Steffensen

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