Written by: The MQ

Apple co-founder Steve Jobs was later criticized for his bold fashion choices, when Bill Gates cautioned him that “turtlenecks won’t catch on; sloppy dress shirts will be in forever.”
Photo by: Connor Gorry

Apple Inc., a Cupertino-based tech startup best known for releasing a portable music player in the previous decade, just announced a projected release date for their first mobile phone. Since the “iPod,” little has come out from Apple other than a few scattered computer projects. However, the small MP3 player company plans to turn the tide by releasing their new cellular phone.

“There are a lot of good smartphones out there,” said Apple’s marketing VP Phil Schiller. “Nokia has the N-Gage, one of the most durable machines on the market. RIM has the Blackberry’s central keyboard which can be used for quick emailing. Google tried changing the game by releasing Android, an operating system that takes input from phones with a physical dial attached. Where do we fit in? I’ll show you.”

Schiller demonstrated that the “iPhone” will be able to make calls using technology not used on the iPod. Instead of buttons or a dial, it will use revolutionary technology called the “phone screen” to display possible digits that the user can permute into phone numbers. Although mentioning Apple Inc. doesn’t turn an awful lot of heads right now, they hope to gain some recognition through this innovative design.

In addition, the phone purports to be a “widescreen iPod.” Reporters badgered Apple’s PR department to explain how music can be enhanced through widescreen, which prompted the announcement that the new device is capable of playing “music-videos.” These videos will be distributed through an obscure online service used for their MP3 player. It’s unknown if Apple is going to make a new version of this software to work with their phones, or if the phone’s version of the MP3 player software was made for compatibility.

Analysts have been largely critical of Apple’s bold claims. One naysayer is columnist John Dvorak.

“Apple is a company that doesn’t know how to read the market,” Dvorak writes. “Like I’ve said before, there is no evidence that people want to use these things. I was right in 1984, when they shipped computers with a mouse [an obscure pointing device]. Now they’re talking about putting buttons on a screen? Next you’ll hear the phone flips horizontally instead of vertically.”

Possibly the strangest part of Apple’s announcement was that the Apple Phone would be a “breakthrough internet communications device.” The internet stuck out like a sore thumb among the newer technologies at Apple’s event.

“You see, in the 90s, they had this great idea,” Schiller explained, “Create an electronic library to share and hold information. You might not know this, but even today the internet is up and running, and we plan to make good use of it on the mobile platform.” This announcement has led to rumors that Apple is planning to purchase the repository and monopolize on it.

It remains to be seen how Apple can afford to distribute a product like this all over the country, how they will be able to build brand recognition, or who would want to replace their MP3 player and their phone at the same time.

Written by: Amin Fozi

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