Volume 22 Issue 4

ArticlesLocalNews

Area Woman Decides in Record Time to Not Have Sex with Tinder Date

Written by: The MQ

Guinness World Records recently awarded their prestigious award for “quickest time for deciding not to have sexual intercourse with another human (male)” to Patricia Cornbread, officially …

ArticlesLocalNews

Local Cop Unsure If Woman Shouting “What Have I Done?” Is Doing So Rhetorically

Written by: Barak Tzori

Local police sergeant Frederick Huntsberry stumbled upon a peculiar scene last night when he found a woman kneeling in the middle of the streets, staring at …

ArticlesNews

Drug Dealer Has Poor Q4, Will Match Internet Prices

Written by: Lawrence Lee

In response to vastly underwhelming profit margins in Q4 2015, Winnie “Whee” Dolores, Lorry Park’s local drug dealer, has announced a new policy of allowing internet …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

Rock the Vote Launches Bipartisan Smear Campaign

Written by: Hannah Rosenblatt

Rock The Vote recently released a series of violent attack ads against both left- and right-winged frontrunner presidential candidates, targeting everything from their moral platforms, personal …

ArticlesNews

Feb. 14 Shows Up On Calendar Despite Numerous Restraining Orders

Written by: The MQ

Despite many singles requesting restraining orders after a tragic Valentine’s Days the preceding year, Feb. 14 has once again shown up with the changing of the …

ArticlesEditorialOpinion

Hoverboards Are an Atrocity And Must Be Stopped!

Written by: The MQ

Hoverboards. Let me tell you something about these rolling, devil-worshipping machines. You may have seen kids rolling around on these horrible contraptions, wobbling around like they …

ArticlesLocalNews

Local Journalist Thinks We Just Want Different Things, Joseph

Written by: The MQ

As of press time, it is official that the former “power couple” consisting of Evvan Burke and Joseph Knolls, known by some as Jovvan, have broken …

ArticlesNews

Swedish Couple on Walking Tour Across Southern Europe Disappointed by Greece’s Hostile Welcome

Written by: The MQ

Swedish couple Alex and Marta Frisk have been traversing Southern Europe by foot for the past couple of months. However, upon reaching Greece, they were shocked …

ArticlesCampusNews

UC Review Finds Most Male Faculty not Predators, Just Predator Enablers

Written by: The MQ

An internal review of faculty behavior at the University of California, Berkeley, has concluded that the vast majority of male faculty and administrators do not sexually …

ArticlesCampusNews

Groundhog Sees Blood Red Shadow, Ushers In Six Weeks of the Apocalypse

Written by: The MQ

A large gathering of people witnessed the blood red shadow of a groundhog, on Feb. 2, 2016, which they believe prophesizes “the end of days.” Feb. …