In response to vastly underwhelming profit margins in Q4 2015, Winnie “Whee” Dolores, Lorry Park’s local drug dealer, has announced a new policy of allowing internet “price-matching” on the sale of her various illegal opioids, amphetamines, and hallucinogens.
Along with the policy change, Dolores released the full financial report from the quarter, which detailed how her largely unlawful operation has seen a trend of declining revenue since Q1 2011.
“I’m really not sure how long I can stay afloat in this economy and this competitive market area,” Dolores explained. “I thought that the collapse of the Silk Road in 2013 would have really boosted my appeal as a small, local business to these people, but they just had to put up a 2.0 and a 3.0. It’s much easier to escape mass scrutiny from law enforcement when at least half the police force has purchased illicit substances from me.”
Analysts described the new policy of online price matching as an aggressive move to combat the historically persistent existence of various dark-web black markets.
“While I do offer a wide variety of locally-sourced and hand-picked selection for sale, there are a lot of customers who are more interested in the admittedly cheaper alternatives available online,” Dolores said. “As such, I’m hoping that by meeting those online prices, my patrons will be able to purchase their illegal substances from me with confidence that they’re getting the best deal they can.”
Many in the Lorry Park community have stepped up to publicly support Dolores, a longtime resident of the quaint, 1500-sq-ft suburb.
“Whee’s got a really good reputation in our small, tight-knit community,” said one neighbor. “It is unfortunate that her prices have been just a bit too high these past few years, but this could really turn it around for her.”
“When my son turned 16 and wanted to smoke weed for the first time, I knew I could trust Whee’s recommendation,” recalled Lorry Park Community Center manager Jerry Brand. “And my mother-in-law sometimes takes ecstasy with her coffee, which explains how she got through my wedding, so Whee checks up on her every once in a while.”
“She’s always nice to the kids, holds entrepreneurship seminars, packs Adderall in these cute little packages for the teens — just a great figure in the community,” Brand continued. “Like a lot of the other folks out here, I’m hoping that her business rebounds bigger and better than before.”
Dolores’ released report concluded that her revenue would need to rise an estimated 30 percent over the next two quarters for her practice to return to financial stability, which she admits is an improbability.
“Do I want to keep selling drugs?” she asked rhetorically. “Absolutely! But it’s rather unlikely at this point that even allowing price matching is going to significantly boost my revenue. And I can’t really complain if what I’m doing will give more members of the community better and cheaper access to the drugs they want to consume.”
“Well, at least I can be happy with the knowledge that I’ve helped the fine people of Lorry Park get fucked up for the past 12 years,” she laughed. “Here’s to doing it for 12 more!”