Lawrence Lee

Briefs

Literal Shit Explodes Out of a Water Fountain at the EPA

Written by: Lawrence Lee

President Donald Trump burst out of a water fountain at the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) headquarters on Wednesday, causing mass alarm. Employees described the scene as …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

North Korea Launches Child in Duckie Floatie, Decimates American West Coast

Written by: Lawrence Lee

Last Wednesday, at 8:43 GMT, North Korea successfully launched a five-year-old child from a rubber duckie pool floatie, effectively destroying the majority of Washington, Oregon, and …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

Russian Social Media Site Turns Over U.S. Propaganda Ads to Russian Government

Written by: Lawrence Lee

Giving in to pressure from the Kremlin, VKontakte, the most popular Russian social media site, announced that it would allow the government to access to its …

ArticlesLocalNews

Area Yuppie’s Parents Unable to Pay Bills or Convince Son to “Help out a Bit”

Written by: Lawrence Lee and Barak Tzori

Charles Crosby and Abigail Johnson, parents of young urban professional Edward Crosby-Johnson, received their third late billing notice from Bethesda Naval Hospital on Thursday. Their inability …

ArticlesLocalNews

Area Woman “Woulda, Coulda, but Definitely Shouldn’tva”

Written by: Lawrence Lee

Local woman Vanessa Mræl intended to perform an action, had the capacity to perform that action, but decided judiciously that performing such an action was a …

ArticlesLocalNews

Local Father Just Trying to Balance White Collar Crime, Being There for Son

Written by: Lawrence Lee

Local single father Robert “Bob” Barron, senior financial advisor at A/B Investments, confided to a friend last week over lunch that he was struggling to handle …

Briefs

Up and Coming Indie Artist to Release Anthology of Hits as First Album

Written by: Lawrence Lee

Indie pop duo “Jen and Eric” is slated to self-release their first record next week, titled “Greatest Hits Vol. 1,” a compilation of their most popular …

ArticlesLocalNews

Local High School Replaces Free Response Essays with New Improv Writing Curriculum

Written by: Lawrence Lee

Wooddard Poe High School, a private high school in San Diego County, has just released their revised 2017–2018 English curriculum, which now features a new focus …

ArticlesNews

New Research Attributes All Human Progress to Accidental Imbalances in Scale of Good and Evil

Written by: Lawrence Lee

A new research paper released by a worldwide collaboration between historians, scientists, and archeologists revealed that the entire progression of human history depended not on human …

Briefs

Mob Boss Expecting You in His Office, “Worried Sick”

Written by: Lawrence Lee

New reports state that Ben “Big Bear” Barenstork, head of one of two major local mobs, is still awaiting your presence in his office by midnight, …