Lawrence Lee
Literal Shit Explodes Out of a Water Fountain at the EPA
President Donald Trump burst out of a water fountain at the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) headquarters on Wednesday, causing mass alarm. Employees described the scene as …
North Korea Launches Child in Duckie Floatie, Decimates American West Coast
Last Wednesday, at 8:43 GMT, North Korea successfully launched a five-year-old child from a rubber duckie pool floatie, effectively destroying the majority of Washington, Oregon, and …
Russian Social Media Site Turns Over U.S. Propaganda Ads to Russian Government
Giving in to pressure from the Kremlin, VKontakte, the most popular Russian social media site, announced that it would allow the government to access to its …
Area Yuppie’s Parents Unable to Pay Bills or Convince Son to “Help out a Bit”
Charles Crosby and Abigail Johnson, parents of young urban professional Edward Crosby-Johnson, received their third late billing notice from Bethesda Naval Hospital on Thursday. Their inability …
Area Woman “Woulda, Coulda, but Definitely Shouldn’tva”
Local woman Vanessa Mræl intended to perform an action, had the capacity to perform that action, but decided judiciously that performing such an action was a …
Local Father Just Trying to Balance White Collar Crime, Being There for Son
Local single father Robert “Bob” Barron, senior financial advisor at A/B Investments, confided to a friend last week over lunch that he was struggling to handle …
Up and Coming Indie Artist to Release Anthology of Hits as First Album
Indie pop duo “Jen and Eric” is slated to self-release their first record next week, titled “Greatest Hits Vol. 1,” a compilation of their most popular …
Local High School Replaces Free Response Essays with New Improv Writing Curriculum
Wooddard Poe High School, a private high school in San Diego County, has just released their revised 2017–2018 English curriculum, which now features a new focus …
New Research Attributes All Human Progress to Accidental Imbalances in Scale of Good and Evil
A new research paper released by a worldwide collaboration between historians, scientists, and archeologists revealed that the entire progression of human history depended not on human …
Mob Boss Expecting You in His Office, “Worried Sick”
New reports state that Ben “Big Bear” Barenstork, head of one of two major local mobs, is still awaiting your presence in his office by midnight, …
