President Donald Trump burst out of a water fountain at the Environmental
Protection Agency (EPA) headquarters on Wednesday, causing mass alarm. Employees described the scene as “horrific,” “traumatizing,” and “deserving of free PTO” as the president crawled out of the sewage and flopped onto the second floor atrium.

“My goodness, some literal shit-fucking feces is all over the floor!” exclaimed an employee running out of the building.

“It was like seeing what I make after Taco Tuesday come back to haunt me,” said another. “I promise I won’t use the hottest salsa again, I promise!”
The chaotic evacuation claimed the life of one worker, Sherry Diep, who was trampled in the confusion. According to her colleagues, she was listening to “Pod Save America” with noise-cancelling headphones and did not notice the mass of humans escaping the mass of human dung. “Pod could save America, but they couldn’t save Sherry,” one coworker choked out.

At press time, the president was seen preparing a press release to denounce the EPA’s handling of internal environmental hazards.