New Research Attributes All Human Progress to Accidental Imbalances in Scale of Good and Evil


Written by: Lawrence Lee

“Wait, but if all the good inventions were invented when people were high, how did they invent weed?” asked Wilbur Wright as he measured out another gram on the Scale.
Photo by: Connor Gorry

A new research paper released by a worldwide collaboration between historians, scientists, and archeologists revealed that the entire progression of human history depended not on human effort and discovery, but on which way the mystical Scale of Good and Evil was leaning.

“The Scale of Good and Evil is a mystical object of unknown origin that looks exactly like a regular, old-fashioned scale but in fact resonates with the very moral fabric of mankind through time and space,” explained Laney Justine, the project’s lead historian. “In its natural state, it balances Good and Evil for humanity as a whole — but it doesn’t always stay balanced, more often than not tipping towards the Good side.”

The research team traced the Scale throughout history and successfully matched significant human developments with various tippings of the Scale towards its Good end.

“Remember the seminal advent of farming in 8500 BCE?” asked Justine. “Yeah, turns out that someone threw a massive rager and that some guests thought that the Good end of the Scale was a place to throw away beer caps. And oh boy, the invention of writing around 3300 BCE? Our research shows that a minor earthquake hit the exact location the Scale was then. It’s pretty conclusive that we as a species really had no true control over these massively important technological or cultural developments; it’s the imbalanced Scale that caused them.”

Their research lays out many more historical points that intersect with significant movement of the Scale towards Good, including the first use of the numerical “zero” in Europe, circa 1420 (a cat jumped on the Scale), and the Civil Rights Movement in the 1950s and 60s (an herbalist mistook the Scale for a normal scale and used it for a decade or so; she tended to put more mass on the Good side).

On the other hand, there are a few rare cases of the Scale leaning to Evil, impeding and even turning back human progress. One notable example the researchers unearthed was the birth of Lee Harvey Oswald and the gradual growth of his disillusionment with America and its leaders, caused by an unfortunate use of the Evil end of the Scale as the water reservoir for a drinking bird.

The team’s research also explains the general, inexplicable trend of humanity to move towards Good, away from its initial balance.

“It’s actually quite a straightforward explanation,” said Triplett “Trip” Beelance, a senior researcher on the team. “Occam’s Razor and all that. As the International System of Units (SI) wasn’t published in 1960, the original crafter of the Scale, whoever they may be, couldn’t have possibly weighed the two sides correctly, and thus the Scale is inherently tilted towards Good by a miniscule amount — not enough for immediate alarm, but enough to gently improve humanity over the possible millions of years the Scale has been in existence.”

As to where the Scale is now, the researchers are definitively unsure.

“The Scale has changed hands so many times that it’s already been one helluva ride tracking down its past,” commented one archeologist. “I wouldn’t be surprised if it was just sold on eBay for the same price as a bulk package of condoms.”

Justine, however posits a more specific theory.

“I think that the Scale has somehow found its way back to its creator after 1960,” she said. “With SI gaining prominence, they must have found the need to correct its default imbalance. With that change, all of the excitement will eventually ease back down, and things can finally get back to normal.”

MQ Alum, former Web Editor at The MQ

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