Volume 23 Issue 2

ArticlesNewsPolitics

Man Wakes from Worst Nightmare into Second Worst

Written by: Chris Jin

Area man Zachary Zhou found himself in a cold sweat late Saturday night as he suddenly awakened from what he described as his “absolute worst nightmare.” …

ArticlesLocalNews

Local Dog Wishes Owner Would Stop Looking at Glowing Rectangle and Pet Her

Written by: The MQ

After walking herself to the dog park for the third time this week, local beagle Jennifer Pawrence told reporters that all she wants is for her …

ArticlesLocalNews

Lesbian Researchers Discover Perfect Milkshake that Brings All the Girls to the Yard

Written by: The MQ

After years of intense research, a newly-published lesbian-sponsored study has finally discovered a milkshake recipe which, in the research team’s own words, “brings all the girls …

ArticlesCampusNews

UCSD Farmer’s Market Disappoints New Students, Has No Farmers for Sale

Written by: The MQ

On Tuesday, UCSD’s first farmer’s market of the year occurred, leaving many first years saddened, horrified, and betrayed over the lack of farmers for sale. Many …

ArticlesCampusNews

UCSD Students Continue to Argue They “Wouldn’t Have Gone to UCLA Even If They Got In”

Written by: The MQ

This year has proven to be one of the most competitive years for college applicants, with a record number of applications for all University of California …

ArticlesEditorialOpinion

My Sincere Apology to the American People

Written by: Matt Olson

Okay, so I know my most recent apology wasn’t that great, and I accept that. I am a big man, the biggest man, and I know …

ArticlesLocalNews

Local Man Fixes Sink, As the Prophecy Foretold

Written by: Cole Greenbaun

Late last Monday night, Dave DeFranco did what was thought to be impossible and what is considered by most men to be a “true miracle: “he …

ArticlesCampusNews

New Open Access Research Journal Removes All Publishing Barriers, Standards

Written by: The MQ

Open access journals have revolutionized the publishing of scientific research, partially by speeding the review process, and partially by instructing reviewers to only focus on the …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

Polls Show 0.7 Percent Increase in Clinton Support 70 Percent Decrease in Complete Sentences Used

Written by: Hannah Rosenblatt

Recent polls report Clinton gained a slight increase in support since the last presidential debate against GOP candidate Donald Trump; however, she is still being beaten …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

History Wishes Humanity Would Listen More Carefully, Is Tired of Repeating Itself

Written by: The MQ

A recent study conducted by historians yielded the unprecedented revelation that History would actually rather not keep repeating itself and really wishes humanity would take the …