Area man Zachary Zhou found himself in a cold sweat late Saturday night as he suddenly awakened from what he described as his “absolute worst nightmare.” After ascertaining his surroundings, Zhou breathed a sigh of relief as he realized that he had escaped from his worst nightmare into “only his second-worst nightmare.”
“First thing I did was check the fridge. You always check the fridge first,” said Zhou. “And there was only ketchup and white bread, that’s a good sign. Then I checked my wallet, and thankfully my driver’s license and credit card were still missing. Phew! And then I checked all the drawers and cabinets where my girlfriend keeps her stuff. Yep, still empty. Good.”
According to Zhou, terrible nightmares happen from time to time, but this one happened to be the worst one yet. Zhou expressed newfound hope that this would cause his nightmares to continue to worsen, and thus begin to make his waking life “sunshine and rainbows in comparison.”
“You probably can’t imagine how happy I was that the presidential race is still Clinton vs. Trump!” said Zhou. “But when you’ve seen the things I’ve seen, it makes all of this look like some flowery pipe dream, kind of like Bernie’s campaign. Incidentally, my third-worst nightmare involved me falling into a drainage pipe at a Bernie rally.”
When asked for more detail on what made his nightmare so life-changingly horrific, Zhou was reluctant to share, as according to him the experience was “extrasensory” and “transcended language,” so Zhou instead decided to express his experience through interpretative dance.
Local blogger and self-proclaimed psychoanalyst Frieda Sigmonde claimed to have deciphered Zhou’s choreography and presented her analysis on her blog “I Dreamed a Dream, And In That Dream I Was Banging My Dad.”
“So, as you can see here — no, here, come on, you stupid rectangular metal dick,” said Sigmonde, struggling to pause the video playback on the right frame on her smartphone.
“OK, here it is,” said Sigmonde. “So, you can see him posing his arms to the side like this, right? And his head is tilted 47 percent to the right? And his right foot is slightly raised two inches off the ground? Now, according to my dream handbook, I’m pretty sure that represents a longing for something. Like, two inches more on his dick or something, I think. And the 47 percent to the right? Obviously a subconscious signal for Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney is Mormon, and you know how Mormons have like a ton of kids, right? So that means Mitt Romney is a symbol. Of having a lot of sex. And his arms hanging out to the side like that? I know what you’re thinking and you’re right, it looks like a dick. So therefore, I can conclude that his dream is about sexing up his mom.”
Upon receiving word of Sigmonde’s interpretation, Zhou grew agitated at her misinterpretation.
“Alright, so first of all, my mom’s dead, so don’t project that necrophiliac shit on me,” Zhou yelled, though at no one in particular as Sigmonde was not in the same room. Zhou then calmed himself and continued.
“I think all I need to say is that nightmare made me thankful that we have things as good as they are, you know? The coral reefs didn’t come back as zombies after we killed them all off, Duterte killing all those people in the Philippines didn’t awaken the Blood God, and you know, I kind of like the sound of President Trump or even President Clinton over Emperor Trumplinton.”