November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


History Wishes Humanity Would Listen More Carefully, Is Tired of Repeating Itself

Written by: The MQ

Historians believe the main reason Napoleon’s invasion of Russia failed is because of the Russians’ superior footwear: Uggs.
Photo by: Barak Tzori

A recent study conducted by historians yielded the unprecedented revelation that History would actually rather not keep repeating itself and really wishes humanity would take the hint.

The study took place at the University of California, San Diego, and was led by several distinguished faculty members of the university’s renowned and illustrious history department and spanned several months of research, which consisted primarily of coffee breaks while they talked amongst themselves about how cool and vital History is as a subject.

“Our methods for conducting this study were admittedly a lot more ‘hip’ than ones we’ve used in the past,” explained one member of the faculty. “We just got together one day and said, ‘Well, we basically know everything we can due to our immense historical knowledge about things that have happened, as well as several very good guesses about what probably will happen. So I think we probably know enough about the human experience throughout history. Why not get to know more about the historical experience throughout humanity?’ So we decided to actually interview the History of the Entire World.”

The interview took place after a solemn and highly classified ritual was conducted to summon History, which involved the faculty members assembling in a candlelit lecture hall and reading out loud from historical texts in their areas of specialty while a mashup of audio from the History channel and important radio broadcasts from decades past played mysteriously in the background.

“I guess you guys are okay,” History reportedly remarked during the interview. “I mean, it kind of hurts that the only people who decide to learn more about me are just doing it because they’re bad at math.” There was a lengthy pause as the members of the history department conducting the interview begrudgingly agreed and silently scribbled notes on their yellow legal pads.

“Not to dwell on the past,” she continued, “but it really bothers me how you’re all such bad listeners. Every time I try to let you know that what you’re doing is a bad idea, it just goes in one ear and out the other. And then you act surprised that you always end up with tyrannical leaders and world wars. It just makes me so frustrated. I go through all this trouble to warn you nicely, but you just turn around and do stupid stuff like perpetually insist on selling Crocs as a legitimate form of footwear. I’m so tired of repeating myself.”

Most of the faculty members merely took this statement with a grain of salt. “My mom said the same thing, but she never actually did anything about it,” one muttered petulantly under his breath. A professor who had had a stricter upbringing, however, noted feeling a sense of growing apprehension after hearing History’s final remark.

“I don’t know, maybe she’s serious this time,” he fretted. “We should probably listen to her. Whenever I heard that as a kid, I could count on getting swatted with a wooden cooking utensil and sent to bed while it was still light out.” Incidentally, his comment was dismissed by the others, who said that he was “uncool” and “just needed to chill out”.

As of today, Crocs are still available for purchase in shoe stores across the country.

Written by: Sarah Wernher, staff writer

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *