Local Dog Wishes Owner Would Stop Looking at Glowing Rectangle and Pet Her


Written by: The MQ

Jennifer Pawrence was praying this outfit would garner her owner’s attention, because her next outfit was a Galaxy Note 7 and there’s no coming back from that.
Photo by: Matthew McMahon

After walking herself to the dog park for the third time this week, local beagle Jennifer Pawrence told reporters that all she wants is for her owner to put down his phone and give her a good scratch behind the ears.

“I just want him to treat me the way he treats his phone,” says Pawrence. “Last night he stayed up til 4 a.m. ‘liking’ cat videos and didn’t understand why I would be jealous.”

Over the years, many dogs have found themselves in a situation similar to Pawrence’s. Recent surveys show that in only 10 years the average number of walks each dog gets per year has fallen from around 180 to 200 in 2006 to three to nine times in 2016, depending on the number of days when “the power is out, so I guess I’ll go outside?”

When asked if they felt the same about their owners, a majority of the other dogs at the park responded with a depressed look so as to say yes. However, many of them were basset hounds, so it was difficult to determine if they were truly sad or suffered from “resting sad face.”

“It only took half a week for my owner to start ignoring me,” reported 10-month-old pitbull Brad Pittbull. “I mean, he couldn’t even come up with a better name? I HATED Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Where was the character development? Where was the resolution!?”

“I remember when Bobby adopted me,” recalls three-year-old Bark Obama. “It was the happiest week of my life. He took pictures of the two of us everywhere: on the couch, in the park, at the movies. Then a few days later he started posting them online and using them for his profile pics on Tinder. Now there are pictures of me everywhere on the internet. It’s disgusting.”

However, data suggests this behavior is not an increasing trend among all pet owners, but only those who use laptops, TVs, cellular devices, clocks, AM radios, or who otherwise have access to the World Wide Web.

“MY owner never leaves my side,” proudly proclaims eight-year-old guide dog Paw Rudd. When asked for a comment on what keeps the relationship between owner and dog so strong, Rudd’s owner Jebediah Oldenbacher could not give an answer on account of being dead and unable to leave his bed without Rudd dragging him by the ankles with his fangs.

The American Department for Helping Dogs (ADHD) was consulted for any suggestions they could give to dogs who want a little more attention from their owners, but they were too busy playing with their new iPhone 7s to respond.

Pawrence was last heard making a bold statement to the other dogs at the park.

“You know what, bitches? If something doesn’t change by next week, then I’m running away. Right after I piss all over his sheets. At the end of the day, I’m a talking dog and it’s like, what more do I have to do?”

Written by: Jonathan Chiu, staff writer

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