Lesbian Researchers Discover Perfect Milkshake that Brings All the Girls to the Yard


Written by: The MQ

“Goddamnit, all I wanted was to have one lunch break in peace,” said the lab technician.
Photo by: Connor Gorry

After years of intense research, a newly-published lesbian-sponsored study has finally discovered a milkshake recipe which, in the research team’s own words, “brings all the girls to the yard, while still being better than yours.”

Research began on this topic in 2003, when Ellen T. Quinn first heard the lead single “Milkshake” by artist Kelis. While tempted by the offer to receive a milkshake education from the singer, Quinn found herself disappointed by the skill’s only apparent utility of attracting boys, and assembled a coalition of lesbian, bisexual, and pansexual women with the goal of developing an affordable milkshake recipe which might better serve their needs.

The multidisciplinary team which finally developed the formula was drawn from this community, and includes academics, scientists, and researchers from a wide array of fields, including chemistry, nutritional science, sociology, and even literature and poetry. When asked for commentary on the surprisingly varied nature of the researchers, team leader Dr. Sydney Benson replied that the development of the recipe required such vast breadth of knowledge. “We didn’t think the poets would help much either,” Dr. Benson admitted. “But the bit with the ground-up poems of Sappho — pure genius. None of our chemists would ever have come up with that.”

Quinn, who became the effective spokeswoman for the group after helping to assemble it, says she is extremely proud of the team, and has high hopes for the potential of the milkshake to address many of the problems faced by teenage members of the community.

“We really do think this can help fill a niche our society’s been missing for a long while now,” said Quinn. “Gay bars are fantastic, but they’re not accessible to anybody under the age of 21, so for much of their youth, teenagers really only have access to small high school GSAs at best.” Quinn and the group hope that the recipe will help teenage queer girls to meet each other and develop bonds outside the often-insufficient GSA groups by utilizing their local yards.

Researchers have also discovered that the formula pays off in unexpected ways. Dr. Alison Wolfe noted that even the idea of a milkshake recipe which attracts women could itself attract women who were eager to find dates, in what she described as “a kind of meta-milkshake, which attracts women that attract women.”

“Honestly,” she continued, “saying that they’re working on this recipe has gotten dates for more than a few of my colleagues.” Dr. Wolfe and several other members of the team are now offering conduct lessons for women interested in learning the recipe.

“Seriously,” she said. “I could teach you, but I’d have to charge.”

Written by: Kavita Poduri

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